Anger is a powerful emotion. Sometimes it’s easy to be scared of your own anger. You may have “stuffed” it for years or let it out at your partner at inopportune moments. If you grew up around angry people like raging parents or other family members, you may have experienced anger as pathological. You now may fear that you have a disease passed down from them whenever you feel angry.
But anger is simply an emotion. Only your behavior can actually cause harm.
A good tool to use the next time you get angry at your partner is to honor that very powerful energy -- anger. An old saying goes, “Anger is a secondary emotion. It is just a cover for pain.” Anger signals that you are hurt. If you “stuff” the anger, you are not allowing yourself to acknowledge your own pain. Harnessing your anger effectively instead, you can use it to heal.
So how do you do it? There are quite a few effective ways to work anger out without hurting your relationship. Ways to harness your anger proactively include tearing up an old phone book, kickboxing, or pounding a pillow. Anger management classes also offer great tools and support. If a more New-Age approach appeals to you, meditation, yoga and stress management can be very helpful. Some people like to take a crystal or rock and visualize putting all that negative energy into it. Then you can hurl it as far out into the sea as possible, bury it, or put it in the freezer to “freeze” that anger.
Whatever way you handle your anger, it’s important to realize that your angry feelings mean you need to listen to what’s going on. Anger tells you that your boundaries have been crossed; it means that a limit you set is not being respected; it means that you are not getting what you need. Taking responsibility for your anger means you have the opportunity to get close to that part of yourself that needs attention. Anger is actually a profound indicator. When you realize that, you can get to the wisdom waiting for you on the other side. Then when you know why you hurt and have clarity about what your anger is telling you, you can wait until you are calm before clearly communicating your needs and feelings to your partner. It’s a sure fire way to get what you need, keep harmony, and share peace in your relationship. And you deserve it!
http://www.theemotionallyavailablepartner.com/
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
How Does Your Partner Communicate?
A very important clue about the emotional availability of another person is how they communicate with you. Do they like to speak in person, on the telephone, by email, or by text? Do they only want to talk to you sometimes and not others? Are they too busy to answer your calls? Do you only hear from them late at night when they want to hook up?
The way a person communicates with you tells you a lot. So listen. If someone is emotionally available, they want to be with you. Not all the time, and not whenever you want, but an emotionally available partner will be present and will show up for the relationship about 80% of the time.
I know it's easy to convince yourself that a person is available when really they are not, so I have outlined some tips here for you to think about.
Does your partner only text you? Are they only available for email messages during the week? If so, NOTICE. The fact that they only text or email message speaks to the fact that they may not really be able to communicate at the level you want them to. Of course this doesn’t mean anything about them or you. You are not a chump if you are involved with this type of person and they are not a bad person. But it does mean that they may not able to give you what you need.
This week, think about what you need in a relationship. Take a look at how your partner communicates with you--and then take a look at how you communicate with them. An emotionally available partnership takes two willing participants who can show up for the other person and the relationship.
You deserve a great relationship and a partner who is there for you. You deserve the emotionally available partner--and that person is out there for you!
http://www.theemotionallyavailablepartner.com/
The way a person communicates with you tells you a lot. So listen. If someone is emotionally available, they want to be with you. Not all the time, and not whenever you want, but an emotionally available partner will be present and will show up for the relationship about 80% of the time.
I know it's easy to convince yourself that a person is available when really they are not, so I have outlined some tips here for you to think about.
Does your partner only text you? Are they only available for email messages during the week? If so, NOTICE. The fact that they only text or email message speaks to the fact that they may not really be able to communicate at the level you want them to. Of course this doesn’t mean anything about them or you. You are not a chump if you are involved with this type of person and they are not a bad person. But it does mean that they may not able to give you what you need.
This week, think about what you need in a relationship. Take a look at how your partner communicates with you--and then take a look at how you communicate with them. An emotionally available partnership takes two willing participants who can show up for the other person and the relationship.
You deserve a great relationship and a partner who is there for you. You deserve the emotionally available partner--and that person is out there for you!
http://www.theemotionallyavailablepartner.com/
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Can You Make a Person Change?
Can you make the one you love change? The short answer is: not really. If your partner isn't doing things the way you want them to, the only thing that you can do to make them change and become the person that you fell in love with is to move back to being the person you were when you fell in love with them.
The best suggestion I have to offer if the love is leaving your partnership and you are desperate to make your partner change, is that YOU change. Hopefully, the one you love will follow your lead. Even if they don't, you will find yourself more fulfilled and happy when you make simple changes.
Ask yoursaelf: What brings you jo? What fulfills you? Where do you find your bliss? Then get back into those activities and watch the energy of your partnership change.
Whenever you find yourself trying to make someone else change, see that as an invitation to get back into some of the activities and relationships you "gave up" for them. My thought is that these interests will give you purpose and help you to stress less about any challenges that may come up in your relationship. It will also make you more of a complete person (which is always very attractive) and getting back into these interests will most likely make you happy.
We can never change another person, but light is contagious. Get into the good--because there is lots of it in the world--and watch as the harmony spills over into your romance.
http://www.theemotionallyavailablepartner.com/
The best suggestion I have to offer if the love is leaving your partnership and you are desperate to make your partner change, is that YOU change. Hopefully, the one you love will follow your lead. Even if they don't, you will find yourself more fulfilled and happy when you make simple changes.
Ask yoursaelf: What brings you jo? What fulfills you? Where do you find your bliss? Then get back into those activities and watch the energy of your partnership change.
Whenever you find yourself trying to make someone else change, see that as an invitation to get back into some of the activities and relationships you "gave up" for them. My thought is that these interests will give you purpose and help you to stress less about any challenges that may come up in your relationship. It will also make you more of a complete person (which is always very attractive) and getting back into these interests will most likely make you happy.
We can never change another person, but light is contagious. Get into the good--because there is lots of it in the world--and watch as the harmony spills over into your romance.
http://www.theemotionallyavailablepartner.com/
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Perfection: Does it Have Anything to do With Emotional Availability?
In short, there is a simple answer to this question and the answer is no. Perfection has nothing to do with being emotional available. Emotionally available people are not perfect. In fact, they may hurt you fron time to time--but they will try to change behavior that distresses you. Remember: perfection is an illusion and no man or woman will ever be 100% available. We are all human and we all stumble from time to time. It's what we do when we fall short that matters.
When we are out there in the world of love and romance, putting our partner’s availability on the top of our list is important; however, we need to keep balanced expectations of people. Balance and moderation are essential when we are in a love relationship.
Promoted by the media, our parents and other cultural sources, we believe that the perfect relationship is out there. We think it's just a matter of finding that “someone special.” Then a relationship will be easy and we won't have to do any difficult work to get and keep 'happily ever after.'
The truth is that people aren’t perfect. Perfection is not real. It's a goal that can't be meet most of the time. Sure we can try, but the sad truth is that we will often fall short of this lofty goal. That's why our expectations can get us in trouble when we have romantic relationships--because there is nothing like romance to bring out our imperfections!!
So what's the answer? Well, there are a few rules of thumb to keep in mind. One is to let of of your unrealistic expectations of yourself AND your partner. Also know that giving about 80% to the relationship is acceptable for both you and the one you love. It leaves the other percentage free for each of you to develop your own interests - and for your partner to do the same.
Giving a reasonable amount within a relationship, and in the world, allows us all to be more human. Today have balanced expectations of yourself and your partner and watch the love increase.
http://www.theemotionallyavailablepartner.com/
When we are out there in the world of love and romance, putting our partner’s availability on the top of our list is important; however, we need to keep balanced expectations of people. Balance and moderation are essential when we are in a love relationship.
Promoted by the media, our parents and other cultural sources, we believe that the perfect relationship is out there. We think it's just a matter of finding that “someone special.” Then a relationship will be easy and we won't have to do any difficult work to get and keep 'happily ever after.'
The truth is that people aren’t perfect. Perfection is not real. It's a goal that can't be meet most of the time. Sure we can try, but the sad truth is that we will often fall short of this lofty goal. That's why our expectations can get us in trouble when we have romantic relationships--because there is nothing like romance to bring out our imperfections!!
So what's the answer? Well, there are a few rules of thumb to keep in mind. One is to let of of your unrealistic expectations of yourself AND your partner. Also know that giving about 80% to the relationship is acceptable for both you and the one you love. It leaves the other percentage free for each of you to develop your own interests - and for your partner to do the same.
Giving a reasonable amount within a relationship, and in the world, allows us all to be more human. Today have balanced expectations of yourself and your partner and watch the love increase.
http://www.theemotionallyavailablepartner.com/
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Limit Setting that Works
Do you set limits and boundaries with potential partners? If you are asking what a boundary is, it defines where we begin and end, and where our partner begins and ends.
When we set boundaries with someone, we make it easier for them to act appropriately with us. Boundaries help them and help us.
Today especially in this new year of 2012, when women and men are confused about what is appropriate and what the other person wants, it is tremendously appropriate to set the boundaries that keep us comfortable in a partnership.
If we need to see a person three times a week, we say that. If we cannot accept personal calls at work, we let an individual know. If we need a little space, we are up front. We make our boundaries count.
And most importantly, we do not expect another person to maintain the boundaries for us. The boundaries we set are ultimately our responsibility.
Today we set limits, maintain the parameters, or re-negotiate the boundaries as necessary. People can take it when we set limits. The reason is that boundary setting is actually a gift that lets another person know what does and does not work for us.
Today as a new year begins, set boundaries with a potential partner and watch the harmony grow in your love relationship. You may be surprised what 2012 brings!
http://www.theemotionallyavailablepartner.com/
When we set boundaries with someone, we make it easier for them to act appropriately with us. Boundaries help them and help us.
Today especially in this new year of 2012, when women and men are confused about what is appropriate and what the other person wants, it is tremendously appropriate to set the boundaries that keep us comfortable in a partnership.
If we need to see a person three times a week, we say that. If we cannot accept personal calls at work, we let an individual know. If we need a little space, we are up front. We make our boundaries count.
And most importantly, we do not expect another person to maintain the boundaries for us. The boundaries we set are ultimately our responsibility.
Today we set limits, maintain the parameters, or re-negotiate the boundaries as necessary. People can take it when we set limits. The reason is that boundary setting is actually a gift that lets another person know what does and does not work for us.
Today as a new year begins, set boundaries with a potential partner and watch the harmony grow in your love relationship. You may be surprised what 2012 brings!
http://www.theemotionallyavailablepartner.com/
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Expecting the Fairy Tale
Yes, you can expect the fairy tale in your emotionally available relationship - but I warn you, it's not going to look like the traditional "Happily Ever After" you see in the movies and on TV.
Feeding love takes effort, but many of us expect the fairy tale perfection of a relationship without being willing to do the work involved to sustain or nurture that partnership. Our culture promotes the scenario that once we find the "right" partner, all will be well and we won't have to work for loving results.
In the media we don’t usually see the background effort that contributes to working partnerships. We really only see when things go wrong. But if we saw behind other people’s successful relationships, we would clearly see that both the partners work hard to maintain a healthy working relationship.
So yes, you will get your happy ending from being with an emotionally available partner - and I promise you that the fairy tale you will recieve is better than you could ever hope for. But the real pay-off from learning to be right-sized and to love an emotionally available partner is that we get to do the work every day. The work of a relationship itself is the gift. As we participate in actions that build, sustain, and constantly renew our love, we appreciate the discipline of showing up and we enjoy a working relationship. And we know we deserve this great partner because we ARE a great partner who is esteemable.
We didn’t sign a contract that said life would be easy around people and relationships; however, we are assured of great rewards from resolving our attraction to the emotionally unavailable type. Today take joyful action to contribute to a working partnership and reap the deep rewards of a fairy tale ending truly worth the effort.
http://www.theemotionallyavailablepartner.com/
Feeding love takes effort, but many of us expect the fairy tale perfection of a relationship without being willing to do the work involved to sustain or nurture that partnership. Our culture promotes the scenario that once we find the "right" partner, all will be well and we won't have to work for loving results.
In the media we don’t usually see the background effort that contributes to working partnerships. We really only see when things go wrong. But if we saw behind other people’s successful relationships, we would clearly see that both the partners work hard to maintain a healthy working relationship.
So yes, you will get your happy ending from being with an emotionally available partner - and I promise you that the fairy tale you will recieve is better than you could ever hope for. But the real pay-off from learning to be right-sized and to love an emotionally available partner is that we get to do the work every day. The work of a relationship itself is the gift. As we participate in actions that build, sustain, and constantly renew our love, we appreciate the discipline of showing up and we enjoy a working relationship. And we know we deserve this great partner because we ARE a great partner who is esteemable.
We didn’t sign a contract that said life would be easy around people and relationships; however, we are assured of great rewards from resolving our attraction to the emotionally unavailable type. Today take joyful action to contribute to a working partnership and reap the deep rewards of a fairy tale ending truly worth the effort.
http://www.theemotionallyavailablepartner.com/
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Why Flirting is Crazy Good For You
Do you ever flirt with people you find attractive? What if someone flirts with you? Does it make you embarrassed, happy, or aroused?
Flirting is a great way to open the door to a potential relationship or reignite the passion in an existing one but flirting is not to be taken seriously. Flirtation means to act amorously without having serious intentions. Flirtation is light, fun, and playful. The idea of flirtation is that it is a trifle.
You certainly may know how to flirt. You may even be quite good at it; however, it can be easy to take flirtations very seriously and put too much emphasis on it. And that can stop flirting from being good for you.
So why does this happen? Why does a harmless jolt like that hottie in the grocery store winking at you make you freeze up? This can happen for any number of reasons. If someone you consider undesirable flirts with you, you may become convinced that they want a relationship; then you run away from them. If a person you consider desirable flirts with you, it’s also easy to think that they want a relationship with you. Then you are disappointed if no partnership materializes.
It’s also easy in our culture to see another person as salvation rather than a fun dalliance or someone whose company you very much enjoy (Remember Jerry McGuire’s “You complete me”?). Focusing on the outcome, rather than the magic of attraction and joy, can make you wonder what the person who is flirting wants. Sometimes it’s even easy to deny that you are flirting with someone else. Flirting can also be very loaded for you if you are getting out of a relationship, are dealing with other major issues, or its holiday time as it is now.
But flirting is very good for you and there is one simple way to deal with this conundrum: flirt with potential partners you find attractive if you feel like it. Try it. There is no harm in flirting. It is fun and good for the soul. And you can do it whether you are in a relationship or not. Flirting is magic!
If you are in a partnership, enjoy the sensations of refocusing your love, attention, and care on your partner. Strew the bed with flowers. Play outside with your love in the crisp weather. If you are single, get out in the world and connect with potential partners. Enjoy watching them. Admire their vitality. Stand in awe of the joys of desire, and allow yourself to play.
And flirt out of the box. Flirtation can be anything from dressing a little bit provocatively to briefly touching someone's arm in conversation to batting your eyelashes. Flirting can be double entendres or suggestive comments made in passing. Flirting is not serious and it’s a great way to reconnect with the natural lover inside of you.
But some of you may be saying, “I’m out of practice in flirting. I’ve been out of the game for too long. I can't do it. I’ve never felt comfortable flirting. It’s too frightening. Who’d be into me anyway?” I say, today is the time to flex your flirting muscles if you feel so inclined. Flirting feels good. It is a free, harmless, enjoyable pleasure. Today try flirting for fun when you are attracted to someone. And don’t take it seriously! Flirtation is the re-awakening of our souls to attraction. Flirtations do not have to mean anything. Whatever shape your flirtations take, have fun because flirting is the absolute bomb and it’s crazy good for you!
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