Verbal Abuse In Relationships

Is someone you love fighting with you and putting you down? Are you becoming only a of shell of yourself and losing your self esteem? Are you asking yourself: What happened here? Why am I putting up with this abuse? And most importantly, do you find yourself spending a lot of time worrying about fixing this relationship rather than getting out of it?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, please know that you are not alone.  Verbal abuse is very stressful, and the most important thing for anyone being verbally abused in a partnership is to feel the feelings. The truth is that no one can explain what is causing the verbal abuse except the  partner who is being abusive (and even they may not understand it.) But know this: any verbal abuser is emotionally unavailable.

In working with many clients who face this situation, I have found that whenever we are tempted to move into trying to understand the relationship, we need to gently stop and ask how our partner's actions made us feel.

If we get clarity on what their actions actually do to us on a feeling level, it may be easier to set boundaries and let the abuser go.

I also think that when we spend a lot of time worrying about fixing a relationship, there is a part of us that may be focusing on the relationship because then it’s easy to distract ourselves from our own lives and the fallout from this relationship. The worry about the relationship is a big hook, a distraction that is diverting our attention from what really matters--OUR LIVES. Obsessing on a dysfunctional relationship sucks our energy. 

It’s always okay to think about anything we want, but focusing on toxic drama is a difficult and unfulfilling way to live. The next time we get worried about our relationship, a great strategy is to ask if thinking about the relationship feels good and if this focus is what we want. 

We all deserve our own love and attention, especially during a stressful time such as when verbal abuse is present in a relationship. A truth about emotional availability is that when we take the time to take care of ourselves, we will never be able to be with a partner who verbally abuses us.  

Love yourself! You deserve a wonderful partner--and they are waiting patiently for you to let them in.

Red Flags

Did you know people usually tell you who they are within the first fifteen minutes of knowing them? If that comes as a surprise, think back to the last relationship you had. The first things they told you probably described them in a nutshell.

Red flags, of course, are the warning signs a person may display at the beginning of a relationship. To describe classic markers of relationship danger, they are the potential partners who still discuss their “ex,” are angry, are ambivalent about you, or are inconsiderate on the first date. You might remember them as the greatest partnership mistake of your life.

In a dating world that saps a lot of energy and brings up major emotions, the crash and burn of any relationship takes its toll. After giving your all to the search for your soul mate and not meeting that someone special, it’s easy to get lonely and fearful that you’ll never meet the right partner. At that point, disregarding red flags and convincing yourself that an individual is available is understandable—it just doesn’t feel good when you wake up a month later, look at the person you’re with and realize you’re in a relationship that’s going nowhere.

A great tactic to resolve this problem is noticing the red flags a person may display at the start. Even if this information goes counter to your idealized perceptions of what they could be, honoring the facts helps. Really take this information to heart. Most often it’s not that people don’t show you who they are—the problem is hearing them, especially if they are very good looking, charming or compelling.

If you do meet someone who waves red flags in the air, there are a few great ways to reinforce your initial sense of them. Excuse yourself, call a friend for a reality check, leave yourself a voice mail message or send yourself a text. Remember that your feelings always tell you the truth. And if possible avoid judging, blaming, or criticizing the other person. It’s a lot easier to have compassion if you don’t step into an unsatisfying relationship with them.

So, what if you do make a mistake and ignore the signs? Forgive yourself. We all do that. Dating is very loaded. It’s hard to stay clear. The great thing about dating is that it offers ample opportunity to practice. If you misread a situation and get into a dead-end relationship, let the person go as soon as possible. Then get back into the dating scene. You will soon get so good at spotting and heeding red flags that when you meet someone who doesn’t have any, you’ll be ready to give them a chance.

No one will be perfect, but the beginning of a relationship is when we are all on our best behavior. You deserve a great relationship. If someone waves red flags in the air, notice. When you let go of people who can’t meet your needs, you open the door to the possibility of meeting someone wonderful.

Major Relationship Conflicts?

Every couple encounters struggles in their relationship, yet many people expect the fairy tale happy ending. Most of us have haven’t got really well-developed skills to handle strife. But a sure partnership killer is never letting go of conflicts. It’s a real problem.

If you are experiencing a challenge with your partner right now, it’s normal. Conflict is part of life. Savvy partners realize that holding on to struggle is detrimental to a good relationship. A very wise person once remarked that the key to a happy marriage is a short memory.

So what’s the best course of action to take when your partner triggers you like nobody’s business?

The most important thing to remember when you face a huge relationship crisis is all of the reasons that you are with that person. But it can be very hard to feel the love if you’re ready to blow. The best possible tactic is to draft a strategic plan with your love before a big explosion; your partnership’s pre-emptive strike that will keep the importance of the relationship paramount in the heat of the moment. Planning is everything. One of the most effective ways to protect your relationship is to agree as a couple to use “fight-fair” reminders before you jump into a big dispute.

OK, I know you’re asking, “What kind of reminder is going to stop me from losing it when my partner majorly pushes my buttons?” Reminders are best if they are a bit shocking or out of the box so that they get everyone’s attention. Reminders can include a silly word, an agreement to always hold hands while fighting, a decision to lie down on the bed together and just breathe when having a heated discussion, or making the choice that either party can take a fifteen minute walk and then return. Of course, fighting naked is almost always the wisest option!

“Whenever my husband or I is upset, we have this funny old pair of glasses that we put on,” says Mary Jane. “It’s our signal that we need to remember how much we care about each other and that our misunderstanding is not as important as our relationship. Those glasses have gotten us out of some really tough situations.”

All these ideas may sound easy but making a decision that the relationship takes priority takes a lot of discipline. In my experience working with clients, the major reason for this is that our cultural myth convinces us that finding the “right” partner will mean that the relationship struggle is over. We truly believe that when we meet “The One,” each of us will understand the other so well that the relationship will run itself. This rarely happens, though, because each person may be using a different rulebook.

The concept of being team members in your relationship can help. Team members have a sense of a common goal, camaraderie, and a shared knowledge of the game’s ground-rules. Each team member works together to be successful. Playing on a team is also fun.

You deserve a relationship with clear goals, common ground-rules, and two loving equals. By employing a few high-stakes maneuvers in the pre-planning stage, you and your love can calm down, deal with misunderstandings, explore your differing expectations and bring on more love. I’d love to hear any new ideas you have.

Softening Your Heart

Are you experiencing challenges in your relationship? If you answered 'yes,' you are not alone! And there is an excellent excercise to try; it is used to open the heart.

Many of my clients have felt a deep shift in themselves and their relating by using this technique. I recommend that you practice this exercise for 3-5 minutes twice a day and use it also when you see your partner and feel the anger, dissapointment and/or hurt rear up.

To do the exercise:

1. Breathe in deeply and visualize your partner in your heart. Imagine warm, loving flames surrounding them.
2. Breathe out and imagine fanning those flames.
3. Repeat the process.

If you feel warm as you try this exercise, that is normal. You may find that it alters your communication with your partner profoundly.

I hope it helps you and I wish you all the best. Love takes work, and sometimes we have to put energy into remembering why we fell in love in the first place. The most important thing is to stay connected to yourself and your feelings. Enjoy a gentle, open heart today.

Abundance

Want to know a secret? Believing in scarcity may be holding you back from getting the love you want.

How many times have you heard “There are no good men left,” “All the hot girls are taken,” “You’ll never get married after you hit 35,” or  “You’re going to be alone for the rest of your life if you don’t give me a chance?”

One big cultural myth we all face is that there is a shortage of available partners out there in the world. And when you’re single and looking to make a connection, it can be easy to forget that there are others who want to connect with you as much as you want them. It’s easy to fear that you will be left out and ‘miss the boat.’

Don’t believe the hype! There are lots of people out there who want to have fun. New love experiences are always available. There is more than enough love to go around. There are an abundance of people want to connect with you as much as you want to connect with them. Remember that many available, loving people are currently waiting for you right now.

So don’t wait to do things that titillate you. Mingle, explore the world about you. Have a blast. When you take low or no-pressure action to get out into the world, you will see the abundance of healthy, warm, loving partners who are available to you.

And remember, the big secret here is belief. Don’t buy what our society tells you. If you believe there are a lot of potential partners and love available on this planet, then there are. Let yourself play. Give yourself a chance to interact with an abundance of people. Not every person you meet will be a good fit for you. You may have to ‘kiss a lot of frogs.’ But every time you get out there and interact with people, you are proving to yourself that it is an abundant world. And when you trust that there are many loving individuals available for you right now, there are.

Hello World!

It’s great to meet you and share a few of my thoughts. I travelled a real road searching for true love-and found it in some very interesting ways. When I wrote my book, The Emotionally Avaiable Partner:  A Journey to True Love, I wasn’t sure I’d ever make it to the other side. I had so many disastrous relationships behind me, with really awesome guys who were also very unavailable, and I had to see that I was part of the equation. I’m happy to tell you I found true love by doing the healing work, and my life has never been the same.

Does that mean it’s always been easy? No way! But I can say my marriage is so amazing, and my relationship with my huband gets better every day. The harmony we share is so different than what I had before and it feels really good. It really nourishes me–and I am grateful to him and to everyone who helped me. If I can help you on your journey, that would be wonderful. Please let me know your thoughts and dreams–and if you have any questions I can answer. Happily ever after really does exist–it just starts with us.