Red Flags

Did you know people usually tell you who they are within the first fifteen minutes of knowing them? If that comes as a surprise, think back to the last relationship you had. The first things they told you probably described them in a nutshell.

Red flags, of course, are the warning signs a person may display at the beginning of a relationship. To describe classic markers of relationship danger, they are the potential partners who still discuss their “ex,” are angry, are ambivalent about you, or are inconsiderate on the first date. You might remember them as the greatest partnership mistake of your life.

In a dating world that saps a lot of energy and brings up major emotions, the crash and burn of any relationship takes its toll. After giving your all to the search for your soul mate and not meeting that someone special, it’s easy to get lonely and fearful that you’ll never meet the right partner. At that point, disregarding red flags and convincing yourself that an individual is available is understandable—it just doesn’t feel good when you wake up a month later, look at the person you’re with and realize you’re in a relationship that’s going nowhere.

A great tactic to resolve this problem is noticing the red flags a person may display at the start. Even if this information goes counter to your idealized perceptions of what they could be, honoring the facts helps. Really take this information to heart. Most often it’s not that people don’t show you who they are—the problem is hearing them, especially if they are very good looking, charming or compelling.

If you do meet someone who waves red flags in the air, there are a few great ways to reinforce your initial sense of them. Excuse yourself, call a friend for a reality check, leave yourself a voice mail message or send yourself a text. Remember that your feelings always tell you the truth. And if possible avoid judging, blaming, or criticizing the other person. It’s a lot easier to have compassion if you don’t step into an unsatisfying relationship with them.

So, what if you do make a mistake and ignore the signs? Forgive yourself. We all do that. Dating is very loaded. It’s hard to stay clear. The great thing about dating is that it offers ample opportunity to practice. If you misread a situation and get into a dead-end relationship, let the person go as soon as possible. Then get back into the dating scene. You will soon get so good at spotting and heeding red flags that when you meet someone who doesn’t have any, you’ll be ready to give them a chance.

No one will be perfect, but the beginning of a relationship is when we are all on our best behavior. You deserve a great relationship. If someone waves red flags in the air, notice. When you let go of people who can’t meet your needs, you open the door to the possibility of meeting someone wonderful.