I recently talked to a client who is doing so well in being more intimate, expressing his needs and wants, and sharing more profound love in his partnership. This client has also recently been struggling with some personal issues unrelated to the relationship but has been finding more reasons to pick at his partner. (He graciously allowed me to share some of my observations here with you.)
When I noted that many of the snags he felt were getting in the way of the relationship's progression were in actuality from the external stressors in his life and not his partnership - he had an "Ah-ha" moment. It was not his relationship that was causing the overwhelm, but the external issues.
When he saw this with clarity, he was able to stop blaming his partner and focus his attention where it really needed to be - on taking care of himself and allowing himself to trust that the relation'ship' would not sink if he took some energy to attend to external matters.
I also pointed out that many of us instinctually detour to 'everything is wrong with my relationship' when we are upset because it is a great distractor from our feelings - especially feelings we may have about things we cannot control. We may think, "Well, I'll just fix what I can - the relationship." But in actuality, the partnership is just fine, and we need to keep clear boundaries between the partnership and other issues so that we can fuel the fire needed to successfully maintain the healthy relationship with our partner.
Learning to note when our relationship needs help, or when we are burdening it with outside issues that have nothing to do with the relationship, is a process and a skill. It takes work to get that clarity, and we get better at it the more we practice.
We all deserve to honor ourselves and our partners, and we deserve to share and enjoy the love that is our birthright - so enjoy your partner today. Shower them with love, attention and fun. Play and shake off the worries of the world. All will be well - and you are just fine.
For more ideas check out http://www.amazon.com/Emotionally-Available-Partner-Journey-ebook/dp/B005BZKTSC/ref=dp_kinw_strp_1?ie=UTF8&m=AG56TWVU5XWC2
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
The Look Good
In relationships, people sometimes take abuse, neglect, or criticism from partners and try to keep up appearances so that other people will think they are in a successful relationship.
The focus on what others think can get people into a lot of trouble.
It's normal to want to look good - but how does it feel? Is the way our partner make us feel less important than how they look on the outside - or what society says about them?
Many people have experienced much pain from being with unavailable partners who seemed to have it all: looks, money, and possessions. Behind the externals, though, and in the center of the relationship, the appearances may have contrasted with reality.
Sharing love with an emotionally available partner may look unusual on the surface to others in our lives. An emotionally available partner may not fit traditional definitions of "the ideal mate."
But we aren't looking to please others by dating or partnering with someone they think is right for us. We are getting close to the person who can truly fulfill us - and what other's think of us, or our partner, is truly none of our business.
Today take action for radical self-care in your relationship. You deserve it! And enjoy the journey to true love.
http://www.theemotionallyavailablepartner.com/
The focus on what others think can get people into a lot of trouble.
It's normal to want to look good - but how does it feel? Is the way our partner make us feel less important than how they look on the outside - or what society says about them?
Many people have experienced much pain from being with unavailable partners who seemed to have it all: looks, money, and possessions. Behind the externals, though, and in the center of the relationship, the appearances may have contrasted with reality.
Sharing love with an emotionally available partner may look unusual on the surface to others in our lives. An emotionally available partner may not fit traditional definitions of "the ideal mate."
But we aren't looking to please others by dating or partnering with someone they think is right for us. We are getting close to the person who can truly fulfill us - and what other's think of us, or our partner, is truly none of our business.
Today take action for radical self-care in your relationship. You deserve it! And enjoy the journey to true love.
http://www.theemotionallyavailablepartner.com/
Monday, September 19, 2011
Who is Your Natural Partner?
Do you ever wonder if you can be natural in a relationship? Do you feel you always have to wear a mask or don a persona to 'get' and 'keep' a partner?
If so, you are not alone.
Our culture, crazy as it can be, constantly spoon-feeds us the idea that we have to use tricks to entice a person, or at least buy their magazine so we know how to 'entertain' the one we love.
What people often forget is that we are really after a romance where we can be natural and enjoy harmony.
Our natural partner is someone with whom we experience ease and a positive flow of energy. Things generally go smoothly with the partner we are naturally made to love. They treat us well, respect us, and are kind. They are not perfect; however, they do make an effort to amend behavior that we find distressing. They are available and show up for the relationship. We feel good in being around them. With our natural partner, we are able to maintain our identity while having the room to get and give the nurturing we need within the partnership.
So if you wonder who your natural partner is, or even if you CAN be natural in a relationship, I am here to tell you that all you need to do to attract and sustain love with someone who reflects your self-love is simply be yourself.
Then you attract your natural partner.
You are perfect as you are, and you are good enough for a wonderful relationship right now. Trust yourself and trust in LOVE!
If so, you are not alone.
Our culture, crazy as it can be, constantly spoon-feeds us the idea that we have to use tricks to entice a person, or at least buy their magazine so we know how to 'entertain' the one we love.
What people often forget is that we are really after a romance where we can be natural and enjoy harmony.
Our natural partner is someone with whom we experience ease and a positive flow of energy. Things generally go smoothly with the partner we are naturally made to love. They treat us well, respect us, and are kind. They are not perfect; however, they do make an effort to amend behavior that we find distressing. They are available and show up for the relationship. We feel good in being around them. With our natural partner, we are able to maintain our identity while having the room to get and give the nurturing we need within the partnership.
So if you wonder who your natural partner is, or even if you CAN be natural in a relationship, I am here to tell you that all you need to do to attract and sustain love with someone who reflects your self-love is simply be yourself.
Then you attract your natural partner.
You are perfect as you are, and you are good enough for a wonderful relationship right now. Trust yourself and trust in LOVE!
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Who is an Emotionally Available Partner?
It is sometimes much easier to focus on who is not emotionally available, because usually people who are not available are pretty obvious about it. They don't call, cancel at the last minute, are vague, and always have something more important going on than the relationship .
But what are some characteristics of emotionally available people? It can be a mystery.
Here are just a few qualities to help you get started on your search to identify those people who can show up for you in partnership.
Emotionally available people:
Not all the time - and not perfectly, but these qualties are inherent to the emotionally available type.
So the next time you are with your partner, or out on a date, or mingling, check in to see if the folks you meet are really present.
You deserve a partner who can love you - an emotionally available partner - and they are longing for you as much as you long to share your love with someone special.
Lean, trust, feel, and enjoy. The relationship you desire is out there waiting for you!
But what are some characteristics of emotionally available people? It can be a mystery.
Here are just a few qualities to help you get started on your search to identify those people who can show up for you in partnership.
Emotionally available people:
- listen to you
- know how to deal with their emotions
- want you around
- follow through with their commitments
Not all the time - and not perfectly, but these qualties are inherent to the emotionally available type.
So the next time you are with your partner, or out on a date, or mingling, check in to see if the folks you meet are really present.
You deserve a partner who can love you - an emotionally available partner - and they are longing for you as much as you long to share your love with someone special.
Lean, trust, feel, and enjoy. The relationship you desire is out there waiting for you!
Thursday, September 8, 2011
When Will I find My Mate?
This question is asked a lot, but it can be more detrimental than helpful.
The answer differs for everyone. Some people who read The Emotionally Available Partner http://www.theemotionallyavailablepartner.com/ find their partner right away, some take time off from partnership and then return to intimate relationships later, some learn to love and accept their partnership status no matter what it is and move on to enjoy life, and some get so involved in their lives that they may forget what their partnership status even is!
A more helpful question might be, "How can I let go of my obsession with finding a life-mate and start to live my life right now--taking care of myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually?
When we let go of the constant worry of finding and keeping a mate, then we make room for the energy needed to take care of ourselves.
Then we have ample love to share with an emotionally available person!
The answer differs for everyone. Some people who read The Emotionally Available Partner http://www.theemotionallyavailablepartner.com/ find their partner right away, some take time off from partnership and then return to intimate relationships later, some learn to love and accept their partnership status no matter what it is and move on to enjoy life, and some get so involved in their lives that they may forget what their partnership status even is!
A more helpful question might be, "How can I let go of my obsession with finding a life-mate and start to live my life right now--taking care of myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually?
When we let go of the constant worry of finding and keeping a mate, then we make room for the energy needed to take care of ourselves.
Then we have ample love to share with an emotionally available person!
Monday, September 5, 2011
A Labor Day Story
A few years back one of my clients related her process with a man she had been dating. He was about 8 yrs. younger than her, they had a nice connection, and were attracted to each other.
He represented something really important for my client. In the past, all the men she had dated were very unavailable. He was the antithesis: well-educated, handsome, kind and into her. It seemed like he was available for the type of relationship she wanted.
As my client was gaining more clarity about emotionally available partners, she was also trying to get clarity about what she wanted in her life and struggling to believe it was possible for her. We worked together as she was dating this man to understand what her life's vision was for herself.
During the course of their relationship, it became clear that she really wanted to have children; and she was very scared that this man, because he was so much younger, wouldn't want kids.
I worked with her to help her understand that her desires were important. If he didn't want children, it didn't mean he was globally unavailable--just not available for the relationship that she wanted and needed. And that was fine. If he was not 'the one,' there would be another wonderful partner for her.
On Labor Day, they went to the beach and it was beautiful. They had a great time, and after dinner went back to her place. On her fridge were a few pictures of some friend's children. Looking at the pictures, he casually mentioned that he didn't plan on having kids for 10 years.
My client heard this and brought it to our next session. We talked about what this would mean for her. She didn't have 10 years to wait.
The next time he called to ask her out for a date, he had tickets to a prestigious play. Her words were, "I'll pass."
She is now happily married to someone wonderful, and they have beautiful children.
The universe is abundant and we don't need to fear anything. We deserve all that life and love have to offer.
Happy Labor Day
He represented something really important for my client. In the past, all the men she had dated were very unavailable. He was the antithesis: well-educated, handsome, kind and into her. It seemed like he was available for the type of relationship she wanted.
As my client was gaining more clarity about emotionally available partners, she was also trying to get clarity about what she wanted in her life and struggling to believe it was possible for her. We worked together as she was dating this man to understand what her life's vision was for herself.
During the course of their relationship, it became clear that she really wanted to have children; and she was very scared that this man, because he was so much younger, wouldn't want kids.
I worked with her to help her understand that her desires were important. If he didn't want children, it didn't mean he was globally unavailable--just not available for the relationship that she wanted and needed. And that was fine. If he was not 'the one,' there would be another wonderful partner for her.
On Labor Day, they went to the beach and it was beautiful. They had a great time, and after dinner went back to her place. On her fridge were a few pictures of some friend's children. Looking at the pictures, he casually mentioned that he didn't plan on having kids for 10 years.
My client heard this and brought it to our next session. We talked about what this would mean for her. She didn't have 10 years to wait.
The next time he called to ask her out for a date, he had tickets to a prestigious play. Her words were, "I'll pass."
She is now happily married to someone wonderful, and they have beautiful children.
The universe is abundant and we don't need to fear anything. We deserve all that life and love have to offer.
Happy Labor Day
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