The Abandonment Issue Index

Do you struggle with abandonment issues when in a relationship? Are you afraid your partner will leave - or do you always push them away before they can make an exit?

Lots of people who choose emotionally unavailable people are trying to control their abandonment issues by being with people who cannot commit.

It makes sense right? If someone is not available for a real relationship, then when they leave or the partnership ends, you were expecting it. It's not really so bad because the person was never truly available to you anyway.

But you are probably reading this blog because the pain of a relationship with an emotionally unavailable partner is killing you. You are probably saying to yourself: 'There has got to be more to life and love than living this way in my partnership.'

If you want a deep, committed relationship that fulfills you - and you stuggle with abandonment issues (as most of us do) - I suggest a wonderful tool.

It is called the Abandonment Check In.

When an event happens in your love life that triggers you, and you notice yourself falling into fears of being abandoned, ask:

-What is the intensity level of this abandonment issue?
-What thoughts run through your mind around this event?
-What kind of physical reactions are you experiencing?
-What actions did you take with your partner?
-Were there any other challenges you faced before you felt your abandonment issues pop up?

When you keep track of your responses to your fears of abandonment, it becomes easier to calm down and remember why you are with the one you love.

Abandonment issues don't have to run your life anymore - and there is help. Check out my website, http://www.theemotionallyavailablepartner.com/ for ideas and hang in there.

You deserve to share love with an emotionally available partner who loves you - and a person who will not leave.

Say 'Yes' to your dream relationship.

Here Come the Holidays

We’re heading into a season that can bring up a mix of emotions for lots of people. The holidays are pretty “loaded.” Energy flies at this time of year. Everyone is in a hurry, trying to get their shopping done; it’s easy to get stressed out. And amid the hustle and bustle, many people get lonely. It’s darker earlier; it’s getting cold outside. It’s easy to feel left out, isolated, and hopeless, whatever your partnership status.

If you’ve also had relationship challenges in the past at this time of year, the holidays may be a time you consider with trepidation. If you are in a relationship, you may have expectations of what should happen, you may want things to go your way, you may get disappointed, sulk, or pout with your partner. If you are single, you may feel alone, doomed, and hurt; or you may desperately search for a date. No matter what partnership situation you are in, the holiday season can trigger a mixture of feelings.

But there is a different way to look at the holidays. If you take the time to re-conceptualize the next few months, you can envision the promise that this time of year presents. The holidays actually give you an opportunity to truly love. There is magic in this whirlwind, you just need to nurture it.

If you are in a partnership, make the season special for your partner and for yourself by doing something out of the ordinary: taking in a play, going rock climbing together, or giving each other a massage. If you are single, plan some wonderful simple pleasure like dinner with friends, seeing that Hollywood blockbuster everyone is talking about, or relaxing in a luxurious bubble bath with a good book. (This is a great idea when holiday madness really hits. Even if you have to carve out the time—it’s worth it!) And it’s also important to remember that no matter what happens or what your status around partnership is, your bottom line can be -- Love Yourself. That’s the gift that will keep on giving.

But don’t get me wrong. I know this is a tall order for lots of people during the next few months. Almost everyone has a holiday horror story or two, whether you are with someone or not. There are lots of ways challenges pop up at the holidays.

People who are single may meet with comments about partnership status that can be very uncomfortable, like your tactless aunt who says, “Why don’t you ever bring a date when you come to see me?” or  the person one desk over who keeps hinting that they are free for the company party. You really can get it from every angle at this time of year, and that’s enough to make anyone say ‘Bah-Humbug.’ But if this is the case, plan your response to parents, relatives, co-workers, and even friends. Set your boundaries high and keep your expectations low. Remember that everyone is feeling holiday stress. If all else fails, just walk away!

For people who are in partnerships, the holidays can also bring several juicy issues to the surface. Meeting your partner’s family, dealing with overzealous in-laws, handling family finances, trying to meet the needs of others, staying connected emotionally to the person in your life, and being present for yourself can present very real challenges. Instead of making another person play guessing games, state what you want in your relationship. Communicate, set boundaries, negotiate. If you need to be alone, take the space you need. If you need connection with other people, take the steps to get your needs met. Remember that you deserve to enjoy this season.

Another suggestion if you are feeling really raw right now is to make a decision to celebrate YOURSELF. The holidays are a special time. Joy, elegance, flowers, cake, special music, and good friends can make you feel terrific and appreciated. Whatever is going on in your life during this wild time, you are a reason to celebrate. With gratitude for all the miracles you have in your life, enjoy yourself and know your worth.

Communication in Relationships

Do you communicate with an individual when the time is right? Do you have impeccable timing in communicating with a partner?

If not, you are certainly not alone!

Timing is important in relationships. If a person is distracted, playing video games, seems to be mulling over a problem, or is concerned about work or the economy, chances are that is not the best time to approach them with heavy issues.

But what if you really need to share something important, or need to set a boundary?

Most of us are generally good at understanding timing; however, if we have had challenging experiences in the past trying to communicate with our partners, we've often let something go for too long. Then we may have exploded at someone or have refused to communicate at all with a person for lack of skill.
That's why understanding people’s patterns is essential to effective communication. We don't want to hinder the love - and we also need to be heard.

If we do not have the skill-set we would like in terms of understanding timing, there's a wealth of information on effective communication. Check the internet, talk to your friends or get a copy of The Emotionally Available Partner for great ideas. http://www.theemotionallyavailablepartner.com/

When we want what we want when we want it, it may not be the best time to connect with our partner. Usually a good rule of thumb is to wait at least five minutes to 48 hours before we discuss an important issue with a person. It's important that we are calm, and coming from a place of clarity and good-will, before we communicate.

The needs of the partner in our life deserve to be respected just as do our own needs. Effective communication in a relationship builds the love - and that's what we all want. We can judge timing correctly; we also deserve to be heard when it is appropriate.

Hang in there, get the support you need and then get ready to get your needs met as you share a rare relationship with an emotionally available partner!

Do You Push Away Intimacy Because It's Too Scary?

One client recently recounted this event. She was on a 2nd date with a man who seemed very available. At the end of a good evening full of fun, he said, "I hope you're done with bad boys, because I'm a nice guy."

Sweet, right? Vulnerable, right? She also said he was very sexy and she felt inordinately turned on when he said this to her.

And what did she do?

She told him the relationship wasn't working for her and she jumped back into partnership with her 'ex,' - an extremely unavailable, bad boy.

As she recounted this situation to me, I asked her to check in with her feelings around what the available man had said at the end of their date.

What she said is very telling, and I will repeat it here. She said, "I was afraid. I was attracted to this kind, warm man who wanted me - and I knew if I let myself fall into relationship with him, I'd be totally unprotected. I'd want him too much and he'd probably reject me."

"So," I said, "Instead you fell back into a relationship where you knew you'd get hurt but you had more control because you knew the outcome. With the available man, you didn't know what would happen - but fear was running the whole show."

This was an ah-ha moment for her, and helped the next time she met someone available. I am happy to say that she is enjoying a fun relationship with her new emotionally available boyfriend now, and has no regrets about any and all available men she passed over in the past.

Everything is working out for our highest good and we can't make a mistake -- as long as we take the time to get clarity and awareness of what's going on inside.

Love is all there is - and it is waiting for you in the arms of someone emotionally available. Hang in there and enjoy the process!

http://www.amazon.com/Emotionally-Available-Partner-Journey-ebook/dp/B005BZKTSC/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1317742923&sr=8-3