Anger

Anger is a powerful emotion. Sometimes it’s easy to be scared of your own anger. You may have “stuffed” it for years or let it out at your partner at inopportune moments. If you grew up around angry people like raging parents or other family members, you may have experienced anger as pathological. You now may fear that you have a disease passed down from them whenever you feel angry.

But anger is simply an emotion. Only your behavior can actually cause harm.

A good tool to use the next time you get angry at your partner is to honor that very powerful energy -- anger. An old saying goes, “Anger is a secondary emotion. It is just a cover for pain.” Anger signals that you are hurt. If you “stuff” the anger, you are not allowing yourself to acknowledge your own pain. Harnessing your anger effectively instead, you can use it to heal.

So how do you do it? There are quite a few effective ways to work anger out without hurting your relationship. Ways to harness your anger proactively include tearing up an old phone book, kickboxing, or pounding a pillow. Anger management classes also offer great tools and support. If a more New-Age approach appeals to you, meditation, yoga and stress management can be very helpful. Some people like to take a crystal or rock and visualize putting all that negative energy into it. Then you can hurl it as far out into the sea as possible, bury it, or put it in the freezer to “freeze” that anger.

Whatever way you handle your anger, it’s important to realize that your angry feelings mean you need to listen to what’s going on. Anger tells you that your boundaries have been crossed; it means that a limit you set is not being respected; it means that you are not getting what you need. Taking responsibility for your anger means you have the opportunity to get close to that part of yourself that needs attention. Anger is actually a profound indicator. When you realize that, you can get to the wisdom waiting for you on the other side. Then when you know why you hurt and have clarity about what your anger is telling you, you can wait until you are calm before clearly communicating your needs and feelings to your partner. It’s a sure fire way to get what you need, keep harmony, and share peace in your relationship. And you deserve it!

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