More Mambo Italiano

So some people read my last post and wondered why it was so important to the woman in question not to get into a relationship with this man who had another woman he was in love with over in Italy. I mean, after all, Italy is far away, and there's no reason our stateside gal couldn't draw his attention away from some other woman half a world away. Right?

Hey, there's no right or wrong. It might be possible to tempt his attention away from the old story of his enamorata in Italy. Who knows?

OK. The real reason our US woman didn't want to go there? When anyone has someone or something that takes precedence over a relationship with us - whether it be their job, their mother, their hair, or their car - then they are not fully present for partnership.

What she was really saying is, I will take a step back and see what happens. I am noticing that he is not 80% available at this time, and that he is sending me mixed messages before we've even gone on a date! - and I am going to pay attention to these important indicators.

The bottom line is you can do anything you want to in a relationship - you can dive in, you can send some mixed messages of your own, or you can wait and see. Everything is allowed - just notice how you feel as you do it.

After her party, our American lady decided she already felt off balance in talking with this young man and she heeded her internal gauge.

Now she has the space, time, and emotional engergy to let in the love of someone truly available.

Viva Amore!

An Italian Love Story?

I recently heard this story and it shivered my timbers.

A woman got a message on Facebook from an old high school acquaintance who was hoping to reconnect. She decided to get back in touch with him, and they started up a conversation. Soon she and her roomate decided to throw a party and she invited him.

During the evening, they had some energy and she thought he was cute. She felt that her interest was reciprocated.

Towards the end of the night, her old high school friend asked her if graduate school was leaving her any time for a social life.

Wow, she thought, he is really checking things out--a good sign of emotional availability. I guess he has some interest.

Practising truth, she took the risk of telling him that not much was happening for her on that front. Next she asked him where he was with all that.

His response was the real kicker.

He told her he wasn't seeing anyone locally, but there was a woman in Italy that he was in love with. It was very complicated and...

Now this woman is smart, but she still was confused. Why did he open the door to this conversation if he knew he had this old love back in Italy? Was he sending a mixed message?

Yes indeed!

Beware of the mixed message. It is a classic sign of emotional unavailability.

Our heroine, who is very smart and committed to healing her relationship issues, decided to take what he said as the truth. At this time he is not available.

Since then she has turned her attention to other potential partners; others who are available.

Bliss Lists

What brings you joy, lights your fire, blisses you out, makes your heart sing?

It's a fact that often people wait for a partner to "fulfill" them before taking action to have fun. But a secret to emotional availability is to fulfill yourself. Emotionally available people are attracted to individuals who know who they are and please themselves for fun.

So whatever slightly wild, robust, joyful actions you can take on  your own behalf today are called for.

Do you like silly movies, thrillers, romantic comedies? Get out to the multiplex.
Do you like to dance, sing in the shower, chant, or paint? Get creative.
Do you like to hike in nature, engage in cardio at the gym, or do extreme sports? Go for it.

You are far more powerful than you know. When you do things that you enjoy, the partner you are longing for will find you--and you will be in the perfect mood to greet them.

Have a great day!

The Hooks

Is that devilish charmer too much to resist? Is that bad boy catnip for you? Is that spoiled princess your dream date?

Many people ask me why some individuals attract us so powerfully. They want to know why we can find it so hard to let go of someone, even if we know they are bad for us.

My answer is that a strong gravitational pull toward the unavailable partner usually means that we have unfinished business related to them--whether it is karma, or that they remind us of a parent or significant authority figure.

Of course, it also could just be wild attraction and pheromones

The truth is that we may never know the answer to why someone hooks us in so profoundly. And ultimately the cause doesn't really matter.

The only thing that is important is to really notice how this person makes us feel.
If we stay with the feelings and see the impact on our lives from being with someone who is unavailable, then we can make decisions that benefit us and act on those decisions.

So if you are attracted to someone who can't show up for you--allow yourself the chance to get closer to your feelings. Slowly but surely, as you gain awareness, you will be able to release them. Then you can share love with an availabler person.

Newlyweds

There’s an old saying: “The first year of any marriage is the hardest.”

Many newlyweds experience some really tough situations as they move into marriage. From finances to in-laws, there are major challenges associated with being newly married.

In our culture, though, we have been fed the Fairy Tale myth; that’s why we assume that getting married is going to be 'happily ever after.'

In fact, marriage is a huge change—and any change can be stressful.
 
The Chinese character for change is danger plus opportunity. That’s what I see in being a newlywed—a great opportunity. Newly married couples can get through this stage and grow their love. It is possible and probable. And it takes some work; so dig deep for the resources to face the stress of being newly married.

I have a good feeling about relationships that face challenges in the beginning.  If these early challenges are overcome, the relationship will make it!

Feel free to email me any questions you have about your relationship. I'd love to hear from you.

Cheers...

Committment

It feels so good to commit to a relationship but commitment can seem so scary. We can wonder, OMG do I really have to be with this person forever? Thinking long term can be frightening.

Really when we choose unavailable people to date and partner with, that is a great escape from real committment. If the person we are with is unavailable, then we don't have to do the work of showing up and letting people see us. There is no real danger of having to do the real, long-term work of a relationship if our partner is already unavailable!

So whenever you choose someone unavailable to date, or 86 an available person, ask yourself if you are running away from committment. Ask yourself if the fear is too much to commit.

And most important--don't judge yourself if you find that YOU are the one who is afraid to commit. Awareness is everything. Once you know where YOU are, then you can move forward to loving an available person.

Sprinkler Heads

Have you ever dated someone who is a sprinkler head -- a person who checks out everyone else when you are together? Do you fear going to a restaurant or bar with your partner because they always look at the other customers and servers?

It can be very uncomfortable to date or be in a relationship with a sprinkler head. The reason is that most of us want our fair share of attention on a date or when we are in a partnership. This is absolutely acceptable. In fact, I have known many women and men who just couldn't deal with this behavior and had to break off relationships with sprinkler heads.

However, I want you to know that the one you are with may be completely unaware that they do this. They also might not even realize that their constant scanning of a room can be an issue for you.

If you feel you can take the step, it might be a good idea to let them know that the behavior bothers you. Then you can check in with yourself to see if they are trying to change the behavior. By speaking your truth, you teach people how to treat you.

But if they are not even attempting to change or can't -- and act like you are 'making a mountain out of a molehill,' then you have some decisions to make. Ultimately you need to figure out what your comfort level is with a sprinkler head.

Nobody is bad or wrong if they can't give you the attention you deserve. You just need to know that you are important and special and wonderful. Lots of potential partners out there would LOVE to let you know this by focusing on you when you are out on the town.

Live, Love, and Enjoy!

The Brush-Off

Has someone given you the brush-off recently? We're you in communication or dating, and suddenly they fell off the side of the planet? Are you wondering if you should pursue this person, or at least check in to see if they are alive?

 

If you answered yes to any of these questions, you're in good company. It can be hard to know if you should give someone the benefit of the doubt, especially if you are a compassionate person.

 

However, if this person gave you the brush-off, I have to wonder if they are the best candidate for your affections. Truthfully someone who doesn’t have time for you (or even time to let you know they are OK) doesn't sound available.

 

Whenever you get brushed off, I think it is a perfect opportunity to take a step back and see what happens. The ball is in this person’s court now.

 

The hitch? Stepping back can be a bit hard, especially if you find this person very attractive.

 

But in the meantime, get back in the game. Go out; have fun; meet and greet. 

 

You deserve a great partner who has time to spend with you. It could be this person or it could be someone else you meet tonight. Enjoy. And remember how awesome you are. The partner you’re waiting for is out there longing for you as much as you long for them!

London Calling

One of my clients told me a great story about noting her own emotional unavailability and how she overcame it.

She and her fairly new boyfriend travelled to London together for the long Labor Day weekend. She was so excited--especially since travelling with someone really tells you who they are.

The first two days were magical--spectacular. They dined, saw the sights and took in shows. The city glowed with perfect weather and endless opportunity.

Then her new boyfriend took out his copy of the recently released Harry Potter book.

Now they are both big Potter fans, but she had read the book already. She also knew how addictive it was. She could see her boyfriend pulled into it--not moving an inch from the couch in their hotel room.

She wanted to go out and play in the city with him. She tried to entice him in all the ways she could. But he refused to budge. In her mind, the clock was ticking down on their remaining trip time -- and here he was completely sucked into the book. He was so unavailable!

For the first half of that day, she went out and did fun things on her own but her frustration was growing. "How inconsiderate of him," ran her inner monologue.

Finally, she got so upset she had to leave the hotel room and get away from him.

She walked to a pub, ordered a beverage and thought deeply about everything, She even wrote a bit about her frustration with him. Didn't he know what she needed? Didn't he care that he was missing all London had to offer? What kind of person brings a book like that half-way across the world when it could be read immediately upon returning home?

She calmed down a little and after a while she started to see it all in a new way. Her boyfriend worked a very demanding job and hadn't had a vacation in years. He probably really needed the chill out time. What did it matter if he wanted to read the book? This was his vaction too.

These thoughts were revolutionary for my client who was accustomed to mostly thinking about herself and her unmet needs.

Sitting in that bright pub on busy Portobello Road, she came to these realizations on her own.

So, you know what she did? She ordered him take-out pizza and bought him every other book in the Harry Potter series. She had it professionally gift wrapped and presented it to him in their hotel room.

I bet you can imagine his reaction.

They are happily married to this day.

Is Your 'Ex' Trying to Get You Back?

If you know someone you love is classically unavailable and a 'crazymaker,' it can still be very hard to let go of them. When we really love someone, we may not want to face the truth. But if we love ourselves more than our partner and we make the courageous move to release an unavailable individual, sometimes this ex-partner may try extremely hard to get us back.

This is a very vulnerable place to be! Your former partner knows you well and they may pull out all the stops to get you back.

Whenever you have let go of someone unavailable and they try desperately hard to get you back, it becomes very important to stay with your feelings. Ask yourself: Do I feel comfortable with this person? Why did I decide to leave them? Do I want someone in my life who is not good for me? When you answer these questions, you get closer to vital information about you and what will work for you in a partnership moving forward.

The secret to any relationship is knowing what works for you. It doesn't matter whether your ‘ex’ did ‘right' or 'wrong.' The only thing that matters is how you feel about their behavior. Your feelings never lie.

Obviously the way you felt before led you to release this person. But you may be confused now and don't know whether you should give them another chance. When you get confused, remember that your feelings always tell you the truth. And if possible avoid judging, blaming, or criticizing your ‘ex.’ The question is: Do you want to deal with their behavior?

Probably not.

But what if you do decide to give your ‘ex’ another chance and your ‘ex’ does something similar again?

Then forgive yourself.

Another relationship secret is not to take relationships so seriously. People have things to teach us and when we learn the lesson, we let them go and move on. You may be ready to move on from your ‘ex’ now or you may need to do some more 'research' with this person. There is no judgment in your process. Just notice how you feel when you interact together.

Relationships are very loaded for everyone. It’s hard to stay clear. But the great thing about dating is that it offers ample opportunity to practice. If you get back together and find that it is a dead-end relationship, let your partner go as soon as possible. Then get back into the dating scene. You will soon get so good at spotting and heeding unavailable people that when you meet someone who is available, you’ll be ready to give them a chance.

When you let go of someone who can’t meet your needs, you open the door to the possibility of meeting someone wonderful!