Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Expecting the Fairy Tale

Yes, you can expect the fairy tale in your emotionally available relationship - but I warn you, it's not going to look like the traditional "Happily Ever After" you see in the movies and on TV.

Feeding love takes effort, but many of us expect the fairy tale perfection of a relationship without being willing to do the work involved to sustain or nurture that partnership. Our culture promotes the scenario that once we find the "right" partner, all will be well and we won't have to work for loving results.

In the media we don’t usually see the background effort that contributes to working partnerships. We really only see when things go wrong. But if we saw behind other people’s successful relationships, we would clearly see that both the partners work hard to maintain a healthy working relationship.

So yes, you will get your happy ending from being with an emotionally available partner - and I promise you that the fairy tale you will recieve is better than you could ever hope for. But the real pay-off from learning to be right-sized and to love an emotionally available partner is that we get to do the work every day. The work of a relationship itself is the gift. As we participate in actions that build, sustain, and constantly renew our love, we appreciate the discipline of showing up and we enjoy  a working relationship. And we know we deserve this great partner because we ARE a great partner who is esteemable.

We didn’t sign a contract that said life would be easy around people and relationships; however, we are assured of great rewards from resolving our attraction to the emotionally unavailable type. Today take joyful action to contribute to a working partnership and reap the deep rewards of a fairy tale ending truly worth the effort.

http://www.theemotionallyavailablepartner.com/

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Why Flirting is Crazy Good For You

Do you ever flirt with people you find attractive? What if someone flirts with you? Does it make you embarrassed, happy, or aroused?

Flirting is a great way to open the door to a potential relationship or reignite the passion in an existing one but flirting is not to be taken seriously. Flirtation means to act amorously without having serious intentions. Flirtation is light, fun, and playful. The idea of flirtation is that it is a trifle.

You certainly may know how to flirt. You may even be quite good at it; however, it can be easy to take flirtations very seriously and put too much emphasis on it. And that can stop flirting from being good for you.

So why does this happen? Why does a harmless jolt like that hottie in the grocery store winking at you make you freeze up? This can happen for any number of reasons. If someone you consider undesirable flirts with you, you may become convinced that they want a relationship; then you run away from them. If a person you consider desirable flirts with you, it’s also easy to think that they want a relationship with you. Then you are disappointed if no partnership materializes.

It’s also easy in our culture to see another person as salvation rather than a fun dalliance or someone whose company you very much enjoy (Remember Jerry McGuire’s “You complete me”?). Focusing on the outcome, rather than the magic of attraction and joy, can make you wonder what the person who is flirting wants. Sometimes it’s even easy to deny that you are flirting with someone else. Flirting can also be very loaded for you if you are getting out of a relationship, are dealing with other major issues, or its holiday time as it is now.  

But flirting is very good for you and there is one simple way to deal with this conundrum: flirt with potential partners you find attractive if you feel like it. Try it. There is no harm in flirting. It is fun and good for the soul. And you can do it whether you are in a relationship or not. Flirting is magic!

If you are in a partnership, enjoy the sensations of refocusing your love, attention, and care on your partner. Strew the bed with flowers. Play outside with your love in the crisp weather. If you are single, get out in the world and connect with potential partners. Enjoy watching them. Admire their vitality. Stand in awe of the joys of desire, and allow yourself to play.

And flirt out of the box. Flirtation can be anything from dressing a little bit provocatively to briefly touching someone's arm in conversation to batting your eyelashes. Flirting can be double entendres or suggestive comments made in passing. Flirting is not serious and it’s a great way to reconnect with the natural lover inside of you.

But some of you may be saying, “I’m out of practice in flirting. I’ve been out of the game for too long. I can't do it. I’ve never felt comfortable flirting. It’s too frightening. Who’d be into me anyway?” I say, today is the time to flex your flirting muscles if you feel so inclined. Flirting feels good. It is a free, harmless, enjoyable pleasure. Today try flirting for fun when you are attracted to someone. And don’t take it seriously! Flirtation is the re-awakening of our souls to attraction. Flirtations do not have to mean anything. Whatever shape your flirtations take, have fun because flirting is the absolute bomb and it’s crazy good for you!

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Your Inner Love Critic

Have you ever been so 'on your own case' that you felt you couldn't be spontaneous or natural with a potential partner? Do you ever feel you must be perfect to get love from someone you care about? Does anxiety sometimes hold you back from sharing love with someone special?

If you answered 'yes' to any of these questions, you are certainly not alone. Most people have an inner critic in love matters. The inner love crtitic may develop early in a person's romantic life, or it may get more intense when taking the next step with a partner. However it manifests,the inner love critic is a real challenge.

But when you are someone who often falls for the emotionally unavailable type, the power of your inner love critic can stop you from pursuing relationships with people who can truly give you want you need--emotionally available partners.

So let's explore what the purpose of the inner love critic truly is. It really wants you to be happy, loved and safe; and it will use any means necessary to get you stay in ITS comfort zone. Unfortunately for folks who get easily hooked by emotionally unavailable individuals, the inner love critic can hold you back from the "RISK" of loving someone available. (The inner love critic's reasoning is: at least with an emotionally unavailable partner, you know it's not going to work out--so that is "less scary." But we all know the price of being with someone who cannot or will not meet our needs.)

So here I offer some tools to take the wind out of your inner love critic's sails.

1. Remember: the inner love critic's diatribe is NOT true.
2. Give your power back to joy.
3. Use a love boomerang that sends out love to others - and then boomerang it right back to you!
4. Shift the energy by dancing, exercising, spending time in nature, calling a good friend, or watching a funny movie
5. And, most importantly, give the inner love critic a voice. Journal a few minutes every day in the critic's voice, but then kindly thank the critic for sharing and move on.

You deserve an emotionally present person who is totally in love with you--and I want to tell you a secret: that person is waiting patiently for you to release the inner love critic and step into their arms.

http://www.theemotionallyavailablepartner.com/

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Angry Letters?

Have you ever gotten so angry at a person that you wanted to send an angry letter to express your feelings? Did you feel conflicted about hitting 'send' on the email or as you sealed the envelope? Then this blog post is for you.

Restraint is the key word when you are angry with someone you love, someone who did you wrong, or someone you hope you NEVER see again.

And one very helpful exercise is the 3-part letter.

To write the 3-part letter, the first step is to let yourself go--completely un-edited. Let all the bile spill out of you onto the paper. Use all the profanity you want to. Really let this person have it. This is your chance to get all your anger out of you and down on paper (or into the ether of your computer.) Really enjoy this cleansing process, but don't do anything for 24 hours!

After a full day has gone by, your next step is to reread your angry letter and pull out just the facts. (Usually there are only 3 or 4 facts in the entire letter, so now your missive will be pretty short.) Again, wait 24 hours before moving on to the following step.

Next, take the 3-4 facts you have on paper and rewrite the letter from a place of compassion. (If this seems impossible, you will be surprised at how simple it is when you have waited the indicated amount of time!) Again, sit on it for 24 hours after you have written the gentle letter.

Last, have a friend or support person read the compassionate letter over and if they feel the note is ready to go, hit send or close the mailbox lid.

Best of all? You will feel good and clear in the communication. You may even be amazed at the response you get!

http://www.theemotionallyavailablepartner.com/

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Gratitude

Since Thanksgiving is upon us, I'd like to ask you a question. When do you practice gratitude?

Many of us practice gratitude daily, some once in a while, and some only when we get upset and need to pull ourselves out of despair.

But working with gratitude as an on-going practice offers some special gifts. The neurons that fire together wire together as we do this; and the world starts to change. It’s amazing the changes, the unfolding, and the expansion we get in our romantic lives as we make getting grateful a daily habit.
Get a little journal and carry it with you  - use it as a creative, visioning, proactive tool to transform your love life. 
In order for our ideal mate to manifest, you need to be in a receptive place so the divine gifts will come in. So today, get out a sheet of paper and write a list of all the blessings in your life. I bet you will be amazed by how long it is.
Most importantly, know that gratitude moves you toward an emotionally available partner--so today practice gratitude.

And have a very Happy Thanksgiving filled with joy and light.
http://www.theemotionallyavailablepartner.com/

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Singing About Emotional Unavailability

Yes, we've all been there, men and women, young and old. The emotionally unavailable partner transcends every boundary and lots of people throughout the ages have sung about it. Here's a sampling of songs about the unavailable partner:
Britney Spears - Toxic   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jFbCLPHsMpc
Beck - Lost Cause  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yYB4bT_mMj4
Cake - Never There   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p5JSwtb4Rnw
Ben Harper - Steal My Kisses  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6G7tgN34Rvc
Looking Glass - Brandi you're a fine girl  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N-tRXewCAmU
Chris Isaak - Wicked Game   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Uw4V5yt1-w

Hope you enjoy--send me your own faves. And most important? Remember, there is an emotionally available partner waiting out there for each and every one of you. All you need is to open yourself to recieve!
http://www.theemotionallyavailablepartner.com/

Friday, November 11, 2011

Legalize Yourself!

A lot of people have been asking me lately about the concept of legalization where we allow ourselves to date all types of individuals - and from inside us, choose who we really like to be with.

So what does it look like to legalize all people? Legalization means that whatever type of person we want is OK. Spiritual people, construction workers, charmers, financial planners, unavailable people, egomaniacs, younger people, older people, people from radically different backgrounds, and kind people are all equal. No one is 'better' or 'worse'.

The legalization process seems scary because many of us wish we could just have a rule book to follow; however, the rules are inside of us. Our internal knowing signals who it feels good to be with - all we need to do is listen.

But first we need to give ourselves permission.

When we legalize all potential partners, and decide that anyone we are interested in connecting with is legal for us, then individuals begin to have no charge. They are neither bad nor good. And the exciting part is that we get to ask questions to see how we feel in being with this person. Is the charmer narcissistic and exciting, while the kind person is boring but loving? How does this make us feel? What do we want from this person? Can we get what we want from them?

Though it is scary to let go of the rules and prohibitions that may have bound us in our past dating lives, going through the legalization process makes it unnecessary for us to rebel, lose touch with our own signal, attempt to follow rules that dictate who we “should” be with, and run to those who can’t possibly be available.

All we have to do is stay in touch with ourselves as we mingle so that we get the real answers - not what we've been spoonfed all our lives.

Legalization moves us toward a wonderful, emotionally available person, so today practice and know that all people are legal. Give yourself the gift of exploring what type of person you enjoy interacting with - and then find out who truly gives you what you need.

Enjoy!

http://www.theemotionallyavailablepartner.com/

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Is Divorce Inevitable?

It used to be termed the seven-year itch, but now people are labeling it the three-year glitch. It sometimes seems that all romances are doomed to end in divorce. And that can seem like a GREAT reason to avoid intimacy.

But the truth is, love doesn't have to end - when we love with emotional availability.
Face it--living in our world, it is hard to sustain a good relationship. We have so many competing priorities (work, money, family, etc) that it can be easy to diverge from our partner or put other things before love. And, I will admit, the first years of any marriage can scare the daylights out of anyone. Commitment is tough - I make no bones about that.

And, I will affirm that ove and a strong, lasting, joyful partnership are completely possible! When we do the work to identify, seek out, and partner with an emotionally available person, we choose someone who can really show up for us through the tough stuff. ALSO, because we face and overcome our own blocks to intimacy as we heal our own issues with emotional availability, we become someone to be counted on.

Divorce is not inevitable when you are emotionally available. Are you?

http://www.theemotionallyavailablepartner.com/

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

The Abandonment Issue Index

Do you struggle with abandonment issues when in a relationship? Are you afraid your partner will leave - or do you always push them away before they can make an exit?

Lots of people who choose emotionally unavailable people are trying to control their abandonment issues by being with people who cannot commit.

It makes sense right? If someone is not available for a real relationship, then when they leave or the partnership ends, you were expecting it. It's not really so bad because the person was never truly available to you anyway.

But you are probably reading this blog because the pain of a relationship with an emotionally unavailable partner is killing you. You are probably saying to yourself: 'There has got to be more to life and love than living this way in my partnership.'

If you want a deep, committed relationship that fulfills you - and you stuggle with abandonment issues (as most of us do) - I suggest a wonderful tool.

It is called the Abandonment Check In.

When an event happens in your love life that triggers you, and you notice yourself falling into fears of being abandoned, ask:

-What is the intensity level of this abandonment issue?
-What thoughts run through your mind around this event?
-What kind of physical reactions are you experiencing?
-What actions did you take with your partner?
-Were there any other challenges you faced before you felt your abandonment issues pop up?

When you keep track of your responses to your fears of abandonment, it becomes easier to calm down and remember why you are with the one you love.

Abandonment issues don't have to run your life anymore - and there is help. Check out my website, http://www.theemotionallyavailablepartner.com/ for ideas and hang in there.

You deserve to share love with an emotionally available partner who loves you - and a person who will not leave.

Say 'Yes' to your dream relationship.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Here Come the Holidays

We’re heading into a season that can bring up a mix of emotions for lots of people. The holidays are pretty “loaded.” Energy flies at this time of year. Everyone is in a hurry, trying to get their shopping done; it’s easy to get stressed out. And amid the hustle and bustle, many people get lonely. It’s darker earlier; it’s getting cold outside. It’s easy to feel left out, isolated, and hopeless, whatever your partnership status.
If you’ve also had relationship challenges in the past at this time of year, the holidays may be a time you consider with trepidation. If you are in a relationship, you may have expectations of what should happen, you may want things to go your way, you may get disappointed, sulk, or pout with your partner. If you are single, you may feel alone, doomed, and hurt; or you may desperately search for a date. No matter what partnership situation you are in, the holiday season can trigger a mixture of feelings.
But there is a different way to look at the holidays. If you take the time to re-conceptualize the next few months, you can envision the promise that this time of year presents. The holidays actually give you an opportunity to truly love. There is magic in this whirlwind, you just need to nurture it.
If you are in a partnership, make the season special for your partner and for yourself by doing something out of the ordinary: taking in a play, going rock climbing together, or giving each other a massage. If you are single, plan some wonderful simple pleasure like dinner with friends, seeing that Hollywood blockbuster everyone is talking about, or relaxing in a luxurious bubble bath with a good book. (This is a great idea when holiday madness really hits. Even if you have to carve out the time—it’s worth it!) And it’s also important to remember that no matter what happens or what your status around partnership is, your bottom line can be -- Love Yourself. That’s the gift that will keep on giving.
But don’t get me wrong. I know this is a tall order for lots of people during the next few months. Almost everyone has a holiday horror story or two, whether you are with someone or not. There are lots of ways challenges pop up at the holidays.
People who are single may meet with comments about partnership status that can be very uncomfortable, like your tactless aunt who says, “Why don’t you ever bring a date when you come to see me?” or  the person one desk over who keeps hinting that they are free for the company party. You really can get it from every angle at this time of year, and that’s enough to make anyone say ‘Bah-Humbug.’ But if this is the case, plan your response to parents, relatives, co-workers, and even friends. Set your boundaries high and keep your expectations low. Remember that everyone is feeling holiday stress. If all else fails, just walk away!
For people who are in partnerships, the holidays can also bring several juicy issues to the surface. Meeting your partner’s family, dealing with overzealous in-laws, handling family finances, trying to meet the needs of others, staying connected emotionally to the person in your life, and being present for yourself can present very real challenges. Instead of making another person play guessing games, state what you want in your relationship. Communicate, set boundaries, negotiate. If you need to be alone, take the space you need. If you need connection with other people, take the steps to get your needs met. Remember that you deserve to enjoy this season.
Another suggestion if you are feeling really raw right now is to make a decision to celebrate YOURSELF. The holidays are a special time. Joy, elegance, flowers, cake, special music, and good friends can make you feel terrific and appreciated. Whatever is going on in your life during this wild time, you are a reason to celebrate. With gratitude for all the miracles you have in your life, enjoy yourself and know your worth.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Communication in Relationships

Do you communicate with an individual when the time is right? Do you have impeccable timing in communicating with a partner?

If not, you are certainly not alone!

Timing is important in relationships. If a person is distracted, playing video games, seems to be mulling over a problem, or is concerned about work or the economy, chances are that is not the best time to approach them with heavy issues.

But what if you really need to share something important, or need to set a boundary?

Most of us are generally good at understanding timing; however, if we have had challenging experiences in the past trying to communicate with our partners, we've often let something go for too long. Then we may have exploded at someone or have refused to communicate at all with a person for lack of skill.
That's why understanding people’s patterns is essential to effective communication. We don't want to hinder the love - and we also need to be heard.

If we do not have the skill-set we would like in terms of understanding timing, there's a wealth of information on effective communication. Check the internet, talk to your friends or get a copy of The Emotionally Available Partner for great ideas. http://www.theemotionallyavailablepartner.com/

When we want what we want when we want it, it may not be the best time to connect with our partner. Usually a good rule of thumb is to wait at least five minutes to 48 hours before we discuss an important issue with a person. It's important that we are calm, and coming from a place of clarity and good-will, before we communicate.

The needs of the partner in our life deserve to be respected just as do our own needs. Effective communication in a relationship builds the love - and that's what we all want. We can judge timing correctly; we also deserve to be heard when it is appropriate.

Hang in there, get the support you need and then get ready to get your needs met as you share a rare relationship with an emotionally available partner!

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Do You Push Away Intimacy Because It's Too Scary?

One client recently recounted this event. She was on a 2nd date with a man who seemed very available. At the end of a good evening full of fun, he said, "I hope you're done with bad boys, because I'm a nice guy."

Sweet, right? Vulnerable, right? She also said he was very sexy and she felt inordinately turned on when he said this to her.

And what did she do?

She told him the relationship wasn't working for her and she jumped back into partnership with her 'ex,' - an extremely unavailable, bad boy.

As she recounted this situation to me, I asked her to check in with her feelings around what the available man had said at the end of their date.

What she said is very telling, and I will repeat it here. She said, "I was afraid. I was attracted to this kind, warm man who wanted me - and I knew if I let myself fall into relationship with him, I'd be totally unprotected. I'd want him too much and he'd probably reject me."

"So," I said, "Instead you fell back into a relationship where you knew you'd get hurt but you had more control because you knew the outcome. With the available man, you didn't know what would happen - but fear was running the whole show."

This was an ah-ha moment for her, and helped the next time she met someone available. I am happy to say that she is enjoying a fun relationship with her new emotionally available boyfriend now, and has no regrets about any and all available men she passed over in the past.

Everything is working out for our highest good and we can't make a mistake -- as long as we take the time to get clarity and awareness of what's going on inside.

Love is all there is - and it is waiting for you in the arms of someone emotionally available. Hang in there and enjoy the process!

http://www.amazon.com/Emotionally-Available-Partner-Journey-ebook/dp/B005BZKTSC/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1317742923&sr=8-3

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Using Your Relationship to Distract From Other Feelings

I recently talked to a client who is doing so well in being more intimate, expressing his needs and wants, and sharing more profound love in his partnership. This client has also recently been struggling with some personal issues unrelated to the relationship but has been finding more reasons to pick at his partner. (He graciously allowed me to share some of my observations here with you.)

When I noted that many of the snags he felt were getting in the way of the relationship's progression were in actuality from the external stressors in his life and not his partnership - he had an "Ah-ha" moment. It was not his relationship that was causing the overwhelm, but the external issues.

When he saw this with clarity, he was able to stop blaming his partner and focus his attention where it really needed to be - on taking care of himself and allowing himself to trust that the relation'ship' would not sink if he took some energy to attend to external matters.

I also pointed out that many of us instinctually detour to 'everything is wrong with my relationship' when we are upset because it is a great distractor from our feelings - especially feelings we may have about things we cannot control. We may think, "Well, I'll just fix what I can - the relationship." But in actuality, the partnership is just fine, and we need to keep clear boundaries between the partnership and other issues so that we can fuel the fire needed to successfully maintain the healthy relationship with our partner.

Learning to note when our relationship needs help, or when we are burdening it with outside issues that have nothing to do with the relationship, is a process and a skill. It takes work to get that clarity, and we get better at it the more we practice.

We all deserve to honor ourselves and our partners, and we deserve to share and enjoy the love that is our birthright - so enjoy your partner today. Shower them with love, attention and fun. Play and shake off the worries of the world. All will be well - and you are just fine.

For more ideas check out  http://www.amazon.com/Emotionally-Available-Partner-Journey-ebook/dp/B005BZKTSC/ref=dp_kinw_strp_1?ie=UTF8&m=AG56TWVU5XWC2

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

The Look Good

In relationships, people sometimes take abuse, neglect, or criticism from partners and try to keep up appearances so that other people will think they are in a successful relationship.

The focus on what others think can get people into a lot of trouble.

It's normal to want to look good - but how does it feel? Is the way our partner make us feel less important than how they look on the outside - or what society says about them?

Many people have experienced much pain from being with unavailable partners who seemed to have it all: looks, money, and possessions. Behind the externals, though, and in the center of the relationship, the appearances may have contrasted with reality.

Sharing love with an emotionally available partner may look unusual on the surface to others in our lives. An emotionally available partner may not fit traditional definitions of "the ideal mate."

But we aren't looking to please others by dating or partnering with someone they think is right for us. We are getting close to the person who can truly fulfill us - and what other's think of us, or our partner, is truly none of our business.

Today take action for radical self-care in your relationship. You deserve it! And enjoy the journey to true love.

http://www.theemotionallyavailablepartner.com/

Monday, September 19, 2011

Who is Your Natural Partner?

Do you ever wonder if you can be natural in a relationship? Do you feel you always have to wear a mask or don a persona to 'get' and 'keep' a partner?

If so, you are not alone.

Our culture, crazy as it can be, constantly spoon-feeds us the idea that we have to use tricks to entice a person, or at least buy their magazine so we know how to 'entertain' the one we love.

What people often forget is that we are really after a romance where we can be natural and enjoy harmony.

Our natural partner is someone with whom we experience ease and a positive flow of energy. Things generally go smoothly with the partner we are naturally made to love. They treat us well, respect us, and are kind. They are not perfect; however, they do make an effort to amend behavior that we find distressing. They are available and show up for the relationship. We feel good in being around them. With our natural partner, we are able to maintain our identity while having the room to get and give the nurturing we need within the partnership.

So if you wonder who your natural partner is, or even if you CAN be natural in a relationship, I am here to tell you that all you need to do to attract and sustain love with someone who reflects your self-love is simply be yourself.

Then you attract your natural partner.

You are perfect as you are, and you are good enough for a wonderful relationship right now. Trust yourself and trust in LOVE!

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Who is an Emotionally Available Partner?

It is sometimes much easier to focus on who is not emotionally available, because usually people who are not available are pretty obvious about it. They don't call, cancel at the last minute, are vague, and always have something more important going on than the relationship .

But what are some characteristics of emotionally available people? It can be a mystery.

Here are just a few qualities to help you get started on your search to identify those people who can show up for you in partnership.

Emotionally available people:
  • listen to you
  • know how to deal with their emotions
  • want you around
  • follow through with their commitments

Not all the time - and not perfectly, but these qualties are inherent to the emotionally available type.

So the next time you are with your partner, or out on a date, or mingling, check in to see if the folks you meet are really present.

You deserve a partner who can love you - an emotionally available partner - and they are longing for you as much as you long to share your love with someone special.

Lean, trust, feel, and enjoy. The relationship you desire is out there waiting for you!

Thursday, September 8, 2011

When Will I find My Mate?

This question is asked a lot, but it can be more detrimental than helpful.

The answer differs for everyone. Some people who read The Emotionally Available Partner http://www.theemotionallyavailablepartner.com/ find their partner right away, some take time off from partnership and then return to intimate relationships later, some learn to love and accept their partnership status no matter what it is and move on to enjoy life, and some get so involved in their lives that they may forget what their partnership status even is!

A more helpful question might be, "How can I let go of my obsession with finding a life-mate and start to live my life right now--taking care of myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually?

When we let go of the constant worry of finding and keeping a mate, then we make room for the energy needed to take care of ourselves.

Then we have ample love to share with an emotionally available person!

Monday, September 5, 2011

A Labor Day Story

A few years back one of my clients related her process with a man she had been dating. He was about 8 yrs. younger than her, they had a nice connection, and were attracted to each other.

He represented something really important for my client. In the past, all the men she had dated were very unavailable. He was the antithesis: well-educated, handsome, kind and into her. It seemed like he was available for the type of relationship she wanted.

As my client was gaining more clarity about emotionally available partners, she was also trying to get clarity about what she wanted in her life and struggling to believe it was possible for her. We worked together as she was dating this man to understand what her life's vision was for herself.

During the course of their relationship, it became clear that she really wanted to have children; and she was very scared that this man, because he was so much younger, wouldn't want kids.

I worked with her to help her understand that her desires were important. If he didn't want children, it didn't mean he was globally unavailable--just not available for the relationship that she wanted and needed. And that was fine. If he was not 'the one,' there would be another wonderful partner for her.

On Labor Day, they went to the beach and it was beautiful. They had a great time, and after dinner went back to her place. On her fridge were a few pictures of some friend's children. Looking at the pictures, he casually mentioned that he didn't plan on having kids for 10 years.

My client heard this and brought it to our next session. We talked about what this would mean for her. She didn't have 10 years to wait.

The next time he called to ask her out for a date, he had tickets to a prestigious play. Her words were, "I'll pass."

She is now happily married to someone wonderful, and they have beautiful children.

The universe is abundant and we don't need to fear anything. We deserve all that life and love have to offer.

Happy Labor Day

Monday, August 29, 2011

More Mambo Italiano

So some people read my last post and wondered why it was so important to the woman in question not to get into a relationship with this man who had another woman he was in love with over in Italy. I mean, after all, Italy is far away, and there's no reason our stateside gal couldn't draw his attention away from some other woman half a world away. Right?

Hey, there's no right or wrong. It might be possible to tempt his attention away from the old story of his enamorata in Italy. Who knows?

OK. The real reason our US woman didn't want to go there? When anyone has someone or something that takes precedence over a relationship with us - whether it be their job, their mother, their hair, or their car - then they are not fully present for partnership.

What she was really saying is, I will take a step back and see what happens. I am noticing that he is not 80% available at this time, and that he is sending me mixed messages before we've even gone on a date! - and I am going to pay attention to these important indicators.

The bottom line is you can do anything you want to in a relationship - you can dive in, you can send some mixed messages of your own, or you can wait and see. Everything is allowed - just notice how you feel as you do it.

After her party, our American lady decided she already felt off balance in talking with this young man and she heeded her internal gauge.

Now she has the space, time, and emotional engergy to let in the love of someone truly available.

Viva Amore!

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

An Italian Love Story?

I recently heard this story and it shivered my timbers.

A woman got a message on Facebook from an old high school acquaintance who was hoping to reconnect. She decided to get back in touch with him, and they started up a conversation. Soon she and her roomate decided to throw a party and she invited him.

During the evening, they had some energy and she thought he was cute. She felt that her interest was reciprocated.

Towards the end of the night, her old high school friend asked her if graduate school was leaving her any time for a social life.

Wow, she thought, he is really checking things out--a good sign of emotional availability. I guess he has some interest.

Practising truth, she took the risk of telling him that not much was happening for her on that front. Next she asked him where he was with all that.

His response was the real kicker.

He told her he wasn't seeing anyone locally, but there was a woman in Italy that he was in love with. It was very complicated and...

Now this woman is smart, but she still was confused. Why did he open the door to this conversation if he knew he had this old love back in Italy? Was he sending a mixed message?

Yes indeed!

Beware of the mixed message. It is a classic sign of emotional unavailability.

Our heroine, who is very smart and committed to healing her relationship issues, decided to take what he said as the truth. At this time he is not available.

Since then she has turned her attention to other potential partners; others who are available.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Bliss Lists

What brings you joy, lights your fire, blisses you out, makes your heart sing?

It's a fact that often people wait for a partner to "fulfill" them before taking action to have fun. But a secret to emotional availability is to fulfill yourself. Emotionally available people are attracted to individuals who know who they are and please themselves for fun.

So whatever slightly wild, robust, joyful actions you can take on  your own behalf today are called for.

Do you like silly movies, thrillers, romantic comedies? Get out to the multiplex.
Do you like to dance, sing in the shower, chant, or paint? Get creative.
Do you like to hike in nature, engage in cardio at the gym, or do extreme sports? Go for it.

You are far more powerful than you know. When you do things that you enjoy, the partner you are longing for will find you--and you will be in the perfect mood to greet them.

Have a great day!



Monday, August 15, 2011

The Hooks

Is that devilish charmer too much to resist? Is that bad boy catnip for you? Is that spoiled princess your dream date?

Many people ask me why some individuals attract us so powerfully. They want to know why we can find it so hard to let go of someone, even if we know they are bad for us.

My answer is that a strong gravitational pull toward the unavailable partner usually means that we have unfinished business related to them--whether it is karma, or that they remind us of a parent or significant authority figure.

Of course, it also could just be wild attraction and pheromones

The truth is that we may never know the answer to why someone hooks us in so profoundly. And ultimately the cause doesn't really matter.

The only thing that is important is to really notice how this person makes us feel.
If we stay with the feelings and see the impact on our lives from being with someone who is unavailable, then we can make decisions that benefit us and act on those decisions.

So if you are attracted to someone who can't show up for you--allow yourself the chance to get closer to your feelings. Slowly but surely, as you gain awareness, you will be able to release them. Then you can share love with an availabler person.

Friday, August 12, 2011

Newlyweds

There’s an old saying: “The first year of any marriage is the hardest.”

Many newlyweds experience some really tough situations as they move into marriage. From finances to in-laws, there are major challenges associated with being newly married.

In our culture, though, we have been fed the Fairy Tale myth; that’s why we assume that getting married is going to be 'happily ever after.'

In fact, marriage is a huge change—and any change can be stressful.
 
The Chinese character for change is danger plus opportunity. That’s what I see in being a newlywed—a great opportunity. Newly married couples can get through this stage and grow their love. It is possible and probable. And it takes some work; so dig deep for the resources to face the stress of being newly married.

I have a good feeling about relationships that face challenges in the beginning.  If these early challenges are overcome, the relationship will make it!

Feel free to email me any questions you have about your relationship. I'd love to hear from you.

Cheers...

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Committment

It feels so good to commit to a relationship but commitment can seem so scary. We can wonder, OMG do I really have to be with this person forever? Thinking long term can be frightening.

Really when we choose unavailable people to date and partner with, that is a great escape from real committment. If the person we are with is unavailable, then we don't have to do the work of showing up and letting people see us. There is no real danger of having to do the real, long-term work of a relationship if our partner is already unavailable!

So whenever you choose someone unavailable to date, or 86 an available person, ask yourself if you are running away from committment. Ask yourself if the fear is too much to commit.

And most important--don't judge yourself if you find that YOU are the one who is afraid to commit. Awareness is everything. Once you know where YOU are, then you can move forward to loving an available person.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Sprinkler Heads

Have you ever dated someone who is a sprinkler head -- a person who checks out everyone else when you are together? Do you fear going to a restaurant or bar with your partner because they always look at the other customers and servers?

It can be very uncomfortable to date or be in a relationship with a sprinkler head. The reason is that most of us want our fair share of attention on a date or when we are in a partnership. This is absolutely acceptable. In fact, I have known many women and men who just couldn't deal with this behavior and had to break off relationships with sprinkler heads.

However, I want you to know that the one you are with may be completely unaware that they do this. They also might not even realize that their constant scanning of a room can be an issue for you.

If you feel you can take the step, it might be a good idea to let them know that the behavior bothers you. Then you can check in with yourself to see if they are trying to change the behavior. By speaking your truth, you teach people how to treat you.

But if they are not even attempting to change or can't -- and act like you are 'making a mountain out of a molehill,' then you have some decisions to make. Ultimately you need to figure out what your comfort level is with a sprinkler head.

Nobody is bad or wrong if they can't give you the attention you deserve. You just need to know that you are important and special and wonderful. Lots of potential partners out there would LOVE to let you know this by focusing on you when you are out on the town.

Live, Love, and Enjoy!

Thursday, August 4, 2011

The Brush-Off

Has someone given you the brush-off recently? We're you in communication or dating, and suddenly they fell off the side of the planet? Are you wondering if you should pursue this person, or at least check in to see if they are alive?
 
If you answered yes to any of these questions, you're in good company. It can be hard to know if you should give someone the benefit of the doubt, especially if you are a compassionate person.
 
However, if this person gave you the brush-off, I have to wonder if they are the best candidate for your affections. Truthfully someone who doesn’t have time for you (or even time to let you know they are OK) doesn't sound available.
 
Whenever you get brushed off, I think it is a perfect opportunity to take a step back and see what happens. The ball is in this person’s court now.
 
The hitch? Stepping back can be a bit hard, especially if you find this person very attractive.
 
But in the meantime, get back in the game. Go out; have fun; meet and greet. 
 
You deserve a great partner who has time to spend with you. It could be this person or it could be someone else you meet tonight. Enjoy. And remember how awesome you are. The partner you’re waiting for is out there longing for you as much as you long for them!

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

London Calling

One of my clients told me a great story about noting her own emotional unavailability and how she overcame it.

She and her fairly new boyfriend travelled to London together for the long Labor Day weekend. She was so excited--especially since travelling with someone really tells you who they are.

The first two days were magical--spectacular. They dined, saw the sights and took in shows. The city glowed with perfect weather and endless opportunity.

Then her new boyfriend took out his copy of the recently released Harry Potter book.

Now they are both big Potter fans, but she had read the book already. She also knew how addictive it was. She could see her boyfriend pulled into it--not moving an inch from the couch in their hotel room.

She wanted to go out and play in the city with him. She tried to entice him in all the ways she could. But he refused to budge. In her mind, the clock was ticking down on their remaining trip time -- and here he was completely sucked into the book. He was so unavailable!

For the first half of that day, she went out and did fun things on her own but her frustration was growing. "How inconsiderate of him," ran her inner monologue.

Finally, she got so upset she had to leave the hotel room and get away from him.

She walked to a pub, ordered a beverage and thought deeply about everything, She even wrote a bit about her frustration with him. Didn't he know what she needed? Didn't he care that he was missing all London had to offer? What kind of person brings a book like that half-way across the world when it could be read immediately upon returning home?

She calmed down a little and after a while she started to see it all in a new way. Her boyfriend worked a very demanding job and hadn't had a vacation in years. He probably really needed the chill out time. What did it matter if he wanted to read the book? This was his vaction too.

These thoughts were revolutionary for my client who was accustomed to mostly thinking about herself and her unmet needs.

Sitting in that bright pub on busy Portobello Road, she came to these realizations on her own.

So, you know what she did? She ordered him take-out pizza and bought him every other book in the Harry Potter series. She had it professionally gift wrapped and presented it to him in their hotel room.

I bet you can imagine his reaction.

They are happily married to this day.

Monday, August 1, 2011

Is Your 'Ex' Trying to Get You Back?

If you know someone you love is classically unavailable and a 'crazymaker,' it can still be very hard to let go of them. When we really love someone, we may not want to face the truth. But if we love ourselves more than our partner and we make the courageous move to release an unavailable individual, sometimes this ex-partner may try extremely hard to get us back.
This is a very vulnerable place to be! Your former partner knows you well and they may pull out all the stops to get you back.
Whenever you have let go of someone unavailable and they try desperately hard to get you back, it becomes very important to stay with your feelings. Ask yourself: Do I feel comfortable with this person? Why did I decide to leave them? Do I want someone in my life who is not good for me? When you answer these questions, you get closer to vital information about you and what will work for you in a partnership moving forward.
The secret to any relationship is knowing what works for you. It doesn't matter whether your ‘ex’ did ‘right' or 'wrong.' The only thing that matters is how you feel about their behavior. Your feelings never lie.
Obviously the way you felt before led you to release this person. But you may be confused now and don't know whether you should give them another chance. When you get confused, remember that your feelings always tell you the truth. And if possible avoid judging, blaming, or criticizing your ‘ex.’ The question is: Do you want to deal with their behavior?
Probably not.
But what if you do decide to give your ‘ex’ another chance and your ‘ex’ does something similar again?
Then forgive yourself.
Another relationship secret is not to take relationships so seriously. People have things to teach us and when we learn the lesson, we let them go and move on. You may be ready to move on from your ‘ex’ now or you may need to do some more 'research' with this person. There is no judgment in your process. Just notice how you feel when you interact together.
Relationships are very loaded for everyone. It’s hard to stay clear. But the great thing about dating is that it offers ample opportunity to practice. If you get back together and find that it is a dead-end relationship, let your partner go as soon as possible. Then get back into the dating scene. You will soon get so good at spotting and heeding unavailable people that when you meet someone who is available, you’ll be ready to give them a chance.
When you let go of someone who can’t meet your needs, you open the door to the possibility of meeting someone wonderful!

Friday, July 29, 2011

Verbal Abuse In Relationships

Is someone you love fighting with you and putting you down? Are you becoming only a of shell of yourself and losing your self esteem? Are you asking yourself: What happened here? Why am I putting up with this abuse? And most importantly, do you find yourself spending a lot of time worrying about fixing this relationship rather than getting out of it?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, please know that you are not alone.  Verbal abuse is very stressful, and the most important thing for anyone being verbally abused in a partnership is to feel the feelings. The truth is that no one can explain what is causing the verbal abuse except the  partner who is being abusive (and even they may not understand it.) But know this: any verbal abuser is emotionally unavailable.

In working with many clients who face this situation, I have found that whenever we are tempted to move into trying to understand the relationship, we need to gently stop and ask how our partner's actions made us feel.

If we get clarity on what their actions actually do to us on a feeling level, it may be easier to set boundaries and let the abuser go.

I also think that when we spend a lot of time worrying about fixing a relationship, there is a part of us that may be focusing on the relationship because then it’s easy to distract ourselves from our own lives and the fallout from this relationship. The worry about the relationship is a big hook, a distraction that is diverting our attention from what really matters--OUR LIVES. Obsessing on a dysfunctional relationship sucks our energy. 

It’s always okay to think about anything we want, but focusing on toxic drama is a difficult and unfulfilling way to live. The next time we get worried about our relationship, a great strategy is to ask if thinking about the relationship feels good and if this focus is what we want. 

We all deserve our own love and attention, especially during a stressful time such as when verbal abuse is present in a relationship. A truth about emotional availability is that when we take the time to take care of ourselves, we will never be able to be with a partner who verbally abuses us.  

Love yourself! You deserve a wonderful partner--and they are waiting patiently for you to let them in.


Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Red Flags

Did you know people usually tell you who they are within the first fifteen minutes of knowing them? If that comes as a surprise, think back to the last relationship you had. The first things they told you probably described them in a nutshell.

Red flags, of course, are the warning signs a person may display at the beginning of a relationship. To describe classic markers of relationship danger, they are the potential partners who still discuss their “ex,” are angry, are ambivalent about you, or are inconsiderate on the first date. You might remember them as the greatest partnership mistake of your life.

In a dating world that saps a lot of energy and brings up major emotions, the crash and burn of any relationship takes its toll. After giving your all to the search for your soul mate and not meeting that someone special, it’s easy to get lonely and fearful that you’ll never meet the right partner. At that point, disregarding red flags and convincing yourself that an individual is available is understandable—it just doesn’t feel good when you wake up a month later, look at the person you’re with and realize you’re in a relationship that’s going nowhere.

A great tactic to resolve this problem is noticing the red flags a person may display at the start. Even if this information goes counter to your idealized perceptions of what they could be, honoring the facts helps. Really take this information to heart. Most often it’s not that people don’t show you who they are—the problem is hearing them, especially if they are very good looking, charming or compelling.

If you do meet someone who waves red flags in the air, there are a few great ways to reinforce your initial sense of them. Excuse yourself, call a friend for a reality check, leave yourself a voice mail message or send yourself a text. Remember that your feelings always tell you the truth. And if possible avoid judging, blaming, or criticizing the other person. It’s a lot easier to have compassion if you don’t step into an unsatisfying relationship with them.

So, what if you do make a mistake and ignore the signs? Forgive yourself. We all do that. Dating is very loaded. It’s hard to stay clear. The great thing about dating is that it offers ample opportunity to practice. If you misread a situation and get into a dead-end relationship, let the person go as soon as possible. Then get back into the dating scene. You will soon get so good at spotting and heeding red flags that when you meet someone who doesn’t have any, you’ll be ready to give them a chance.

No one will be perfect, but the beginning of a relationship is when we are all on our best behavior. You deserve a great relationship. If someone waves red flags in the air, notice. When you let go of people who can’t meet your needs, you open the door to the possibility of meeting someone wonderful.

Monday, July 25, 2011

Major Relationship Conflicts?

Every couple encounters struggles in their relationship, yet many people expect the fairy tale happy ending. Most of us have haven’t got really well-developed skills to handle strife. But a sure partnership killer is never letting go of conflicts. It’s a real problem.

If you are experiencing a challenge with your partner right now, it’s normal. Conflict is part of life. Savvy partners realize that holding on to struggle is detrimental to a good relationship. A very wise person once remarked that the key to a happy marriage is a short memory.

So what’s the best course of action to take when your partner triggers you like nobody’s business?

The most important thing to remember when you face a huge relationship crisis is all of the reasons that you are with that person. But it can be very hard to feel the love if you’re ready to blow. The best possible tactic is to draft a strategic plan with your love before a big explosion; your partnership’s pre-emptive strike that will keep the importance of the relationship paramount in the heat of the moment. Planning is everything. One of the most effective ways to protect your relationship is to agree as a couple to use “fight-fair” reminders before you jump into a big dispute.

OK, I know you’re asking, “What kind of reminder is going to stop me from losing it when my partner majorly pushes my buttons?” Reminders are best if they are a bit shocking or out of the box so that they get everyone’s attention. Reminders can include a silly word, an agreement to always hold hands while fighting, a decision to lie down on the bed together and just breathe when having a heated discussion, or making the choice that either party can take a fifteen minute walk and then return. Of course, fighting naked is almost always the wisest option!

“Whenever my husband or I is upset, we have this funny old pair of glasses that we put on,” says Mary Jane. “It’s our signal that we need to remember how much we care about each other and that our misunderstanding is not as important as our relationship. Those glasses have gotten us out of some really tough situations.”

All these ideas may sound easy but making a decision that the relationship takes priority takes a lot of discipline. In my experience working with clients, the major reason for this is that our cultural myth convinces us that finding the “right” partner will mean that the relationship struggle is over. We truly believe that when we meet “The One,” each of us will understand the other so well that the relationship will run itself. This rarely happens, though, because each person may be using a different rulebook.

The concept of being team members in your relationship can help. Team members have a sense of a common goal, camaraderie, and a shared knowledge of the game’s ground-rules. Each team member works together to be successful. Playing on a team is also fun.

You deserve a relationship with clear goals, common ground-rules, and two loving equals. By employing a few high-stakes maneuvers in the pre-planning stage, you and your love can calm down, deal with misunderstandings, explore your differing expectations and bring on more love. I’d love to hear any new ideas you have.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Softening Your Heart

Are you experiencing challenges in your relationship? If you answered 'yes,' you are not alone! And there is an excellent excercise to try; it is used to open the heart.

Many of my clients have felt a deep shift in themselves and their relating by using this technique. I recommend that you practice this exercise for 3-5 minutes twice a day and use it also when you see your partner and feel the anger, dissapointment and/or hurt rear up.

To do the exercise:

1. Breathe in deeply and visualize your partner in your heart. Imagine warm, loving flames surrounding them.
2. Breathe out and imagine fanning those flames.
3. Repeat the process.

If you feel warm as you try this exercise, that is normal. You may find that it alters your communication with your partner profoundly.

I hope it helps you and I wish you all the best. Love takes work, and sometimes we have to put energy into remembering why we fell in love in the first place. The most important thing is to stay connected to yourself and your feelings. Enjoy a gentle, open heart today.

Friday, July 22, 2011

Abundance

Want to know a secret? Believing in scarcity may be holding you back from getting the love you want.
How many times have you heard “There are no good men left,” “All the hot girls are taken,” “You’ll never get married after you hit 35,” or  “You’re going to be alone for the rest of your life if you don’t give me a chance?”
One big cultural myth we all face is that there is a shortage of available partners out there in the world. And when you’re single and looking to make a connection, it can be easy to forget that there are others who want to connect with you as much as you want them. It’s easy to fear that you will be left out and ‘miss the boat.’
Don’t believe the hype! There are lots of people out there who want to have fun. New love experiences are always available. There is more than enough love to go around. There are an abundance of people want to connect with you as much as you want to connect with them. Remember that many available, loving people are currently waiting for you right now.
So don’t wait to do things that titillate you. Mingle, explore the world about you. Have a blast. When you take low or no-pressure action to get out into the world, you will see the abundance of healthy, warm, loving partners who are available to you.
And remember, the big secret here is belief. Don’t buy what our society tells you. If you believe there are a lot of potential partners and love available on this planet, then there are. Let yourself play. Give yourself a chance to interact with an abundance of people. Not every person you meet will be a good fit for you. You may have to ‘kiss a lot of frogs.’ But every time you get out there and interact with people, you are proving to yourself that it is an abundant world. And when you trust that there are many loving individuals available for you right now, there are.



Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Hello World!

It’s great to meet you and share a few of my thoughts. I travelled a real road searching for true love-and found it in some very interesting ways. When I wrote my book, The Emotionally Avaiable Partner:  A Journey to True Love, I wasn’t sure I’d ever make it to the other side. I had so many disastrous relationships behind me, with really awesome guys who were also very unavailable, and I had to see that I was part of the equation. I’m happy to tell you I found true love by doing the healing work, and my life has never been the same.

Does that mean it’s always been easy? No way! But I can say my marriage is so amazing, and my relationship with my huband gets better every day. The harmony we share is so different than what I had before and it feels really good. It really nourishes me–and I am grateful to him and to everyone who helped me. If I can help you on your journey, that would be wonderful. Please let me know your thoughts and dreams–and if you have any questions I can answer. Happily ever after really does exist–it just starts with us.